Universityland, and gee these toilets seem to be well suited for my needs

Im typing this from McDonalds. I just ate an egg McMuffin, a hash brown and a mango smoothie, to avoid feeling guilty for stealing their Wifi. Seriously contemplating getting rid of it, but I have been walking a lot as of late... Ugh.

I return from Universityland tonight, and I'll try to give a big huge update post this weekend, since, despite the lack of comments, the page views are leading me to believe someone is reading this.

They say you aren't supposed to drink soda because it rots your teeth...

... But I accidentally wolfed down a few cans when I was binging. So naturally, I threw them up, as not to piss off my dentist. Because puking is just great for you teeth :)

I want nothingness

Tried to puke up my lunch at the office today but I felt like everyone could hear me--- even in a semi private washroom. Nothing would come up. I kept pressing flush and then shoving my fingers down my throat but I think I'm just not really ready to puke Publicly. So I have at least 1500 icky awful puss yellow calories rotting inside me now and I want them out out out out out. I hate myself so much, I don't even know what to do. I don't deserve the releifof suicide because my little brother needs a big sister but I dread waking up each morning still this girl in this wrong body. I shower with my eyes shut and wince when I bend over and catch a peek at my bubbling thighs. I just need to get out of this body right now. I can't live another moment in here...

My weights probably a mess so I won't look until I leave for my quick trip to University Land on Monday morning and again on my first morning back, which is Friday the 10th.


August goals, since everyone's doing them: be 120lbs by August 11th, be 115lbs by the end of August. Clear up my skin and dye my hair and piece my nose and pack and buy a cheap new cardigan before I move to University Land on the 24th. Learn to be strong and brave and independent. Get this fucking anxiety shit under control because I'm pretty sure I'm having heart palpitations a few times a day but I don't want to go to a doctor-- they only want to hurt me. Stop being fat and ugly and boring and shy and stupid and immature and self centered and cowardly and repulsive.

I want to be light enough by the first snow that when I step out into a patch of virgin white, I will leave no prints where my boots have been. I want to be weightless, invisible. Nothingness.

Puke, drink, talk

The last forty-eight hours have been a hell-like hazed. I suppose I shall begin at the top of yesterday and finish at the bottom of today, with this tangle of tears and the itching urge to grab a pair of scissors and press the inner edge of one blade into my left thigh...


Yesterday began with a simply healthy breakfast and a simply healthy lunch, and somehow spiraled into a calorie deprived maniac binging without dishes or cutlery. Then this fat maniac-- not naming any names here-- felt like shit. Cake batter, cake crumbs, a half a cup  of mini tortellinis and a PC cookie. So I clawed my way upstairs, gulped three tall glasses of water, and shoved my hands halfway down to my intestines, or so it felt. I wasn't ale to get most out by the time I got freaked out by the mess that had spilled onto the floor, but just the thought of my newly learned powers makes me giddy with delight.


A scrubbed toilet, a shower and a change of clothes later, I met up with K and we bright a pretty purple sugar cake with shark shaped sprinkles to C's boyfriends place, where C, K, P, their boyfriends and I all got very wonderfully drunk. This time I was drunk enough to not mind being the third wheel. Then K finally broke up with her ass, piece of shit, dick fuck boyfriend, YAY, and I went for a walk....

... With P. and I spent twenty minutes telling her I needed to say something because not talking hurts so bad but I don't know how to talk. It's like someone closes off my voice box whenever I try to let someone get to know me. But I did it. I told her about my brother touching me in ways a brother should not touch a sister, on multiple occasions... And I don't know why I thought talking would somehow free me of the anger and shame and guilt but I can't expect her to have all the answers, even if she has been raped before. Because there are no answers to these awful things. There just aren't. But she was there for me and that's all I could ever ask for and really I think her holding me hand and hold me is as much as I could take.

Woah. So yeah that was a lot for me right there. So that ight I ate a piece of cake for dinner and a whole hellofalotta booze. Fell asleep on some  floor, woke up after most people had left, and migrated to an empty couch at around three-thirty. When we all woke up, we cleaned the fuck out of C's bf's place as thanks for it being everyone's hangout for the past onto while his mom was In Thialand. I managed to not eat, thanks to a killer hang over, until shout five in the evening. P made dinner, which I declined, and some filled apples for dessert, which I caved and ate the tiniest serving of, utilizing the excuse of a slowing metabolism. I got home around eight and ate an unexpected half an order of vegetarian pad-Thai. Yummo. Plus juice. So with that, and the unavoidable fact that I am going downstairs after I post this and I will eat the Reston my dinner Ina dark and empty kitchen in my dark and sleeping house... I will be 1000ish for the day. Give or take. And I'm willing to take that.

Body fat percentage

So I did a little hit of research, and it turns out my body fat percentage is 23.86%. That means I am about thirty pounds of fat and 95 pounds of everything else. So my long lived dream of returning to the weight my disorder developed at --68 pounds in sixth grade-- will be entirely unattainable, without cutting off a limb or two. I think ideally I would like to have 12% body fat, which is in the slimmest category. That would put me at 105 ish. Snazzy.