Universityland, and gee these toilets seem to be well suited for my needs

Im typing this from McDonalds. I just ate an egg McMuffin, a hash brown and a mango smoothie, to avoid feeling guilty for stealing their Wifi. Seriously contemplating getting rid of it, but I have been walking a lot as of late... Ugh.

I return from Universityland tonight, and I'll try to give a big huge update post this weekend, since, despite the lack of comments, the page views are leading me to believe someone is reading this.

They say you aren't supposed to drink soda because it rots your teeth...

... But I accidentally wolfed down a few cans when I was binging. So naturally, I threw them up, as not to piss off my dentist. Because puking is just great for you teeth :)

I want nothingness

Tried to puke up my lunch at the office today but I felt like everyone could hear me--- even in a semi private washroom. Nothing would come up. I kept pressing flush and then shoving my fingers down my throat but I think I'm just not really ready to puke Publicly. So I have at least 1500 icky awful puss yellow calories rotting inside me now and I want them out out out out out. I hate myself so much, I don't even know what to do. I don't deserve the releifof suicide because my little brother needs a big sister but I dread waking up each morning still this girl in this wrong body. I shower with my eyes shut and wince when I bend over and catch a peek at my bubbling thighs. I just need to get out of this body right now. I can't live another moment in here...

My weights probably a mess so I won't look until I leave for my quick trip to University Land on Monday morning and again on my first morning back, which is Friday the 10th.


August goals, since everyone's doing them: be 120lbs by August 11th, be 115lbs by the end of August. Clear up my skin and dye my hair and piece my nose and pack and buy a cheap new cardigan before I move to University Land on the 24th. Learn to be strong and brave and independent. Get this fucking anxiety shit under control because I'm pretty sure I'm having heart palpitations a few times a day but I don't want to go to a doctor-- they only want to hurt me. Stop being fat and ugly and boring and shy and stupid and immature and self centered and cowardly and repulsive.

I want to be light enough by the first snow that when I step out into a patch of virgin white, I will leave no prints where my boots have been. I want to be weightless, invisible. Nothingness.