life

is the short gasp of air before the eternal asphyxiation. its the moment of darkness in that refreshes looking eyes. its the silence between heartbeats.

Rachel McAdams and the return of my baby brother

so today... started off the day with the last quarter of the veggie burrito,a quarter cup of barbequed mixed potatoes, a quarter of a cucumber, and litre of tea. lunch... 2 tablespoons of roasted red pepper hummus, 10 small heads of broccoli and another quarter of a cucumber. and i`m workin on nother litre of tea before i leave for work. the other day i had c and p over for a little drunk movie night, since my parents were in germany for two weeks, returning today. anywwho, we were browsing netflix and i commented on rachel mcadams being so beautiful and exactly what a woman should look like. they disagreed, saying shes way too skinny and without curves. i dont know. i really dont agree, i would love to look like her. Edit: snacked on half a cup of yogurt, two different snack bars and some tea through the day. Dinner was a quarter cup cous cous, sliced tomato and a half cup of frozen peas. Probably finished around 900-1000, which I'm mostly happy with. Drank 2.5L of plain tea today, and tomorrow I'll aim for three or four. The family returned today but was asleep by the times finished work. The six hour time difference for them is going to make the next few days hard for everyone. Can wait to see my baby brother in the morning <3

So I can run to catch the bus without worrying about what might jiggle...

http://reasons-to-lose-weight.tumblr.com/

Is it weird that I am afraid bring my virginity to university?

Short term goal: 115 by September fourth, my first day of university classes. Longer term goal: underweightness, which is apparently 115 at my height, so I will shoot for 105. By November second, my high school graduation ceremony. I don't know why they do it in November, instead of June, like normal schools. Today I was terribly hung over, which ment I ate delightfully little for the first half of the day. If this is how it works with hangovers, I may not be doomed for the freshman fifteen this year. I had half a 12" veggie burrito around 1:30 this afternoon because I got my second ear holes pierced and I was a little bit beyond spectacularly dizzy. At 6, I had a small veggie spring roll and a side order sized carton of veggie fried noodles. The grease is still rotting my insides. I need to start learning lessons. On the way home from work, I had another quarter of my burrito. Beverages: 2L water. So, if I'm being generous, I might have been around the 1000cal mark. Okay, so I have forty-four days to lose about ten pounds. So I need to have a deficit of 800 calories a day. Playing nice, I'll pretend today was exactly 1000calories, and I spent the afternoon on my feet at work. My bmr is probably around 1400 calories, and with yoga classes and a busy life, my dcr is probably about 2000. So I can get away with... 1200 calories a day, if my body isn't going tone stupid and bitchy and never letting go of a single fucking ounce of fat, as per usual...

Back to the matchbox

Oh, I've missed you so much, blogger girls. I wish I could say that in my nearly year-long hiatus from Playing With Fire I have changed in some significant way, physically, but that would be untrue. I come back to this world of girls whispering secrets to the hollows between bones and ropes of muscles because I need your love once again, and I need to offer you mine as well. I'm so sorry I left this cloud in the first place? I return at 125 pounds, and somewhere between 5'4" and 5'5". I got lost this year, in the stress of my last year of high school. In under a month, I will move to a new city and start university as a creative writing major-- hopefully a program that will prepare me to be a published writer one day. I move into my dorm just pounds away from my highest weight, with unnessecary DD's and hips wide enough to comfortably carry the contents of Noah's Arc. My goal: cut off every ounce of fat that jiggles. If that means 115 or 95, that would be my ultimate goal. A lot has changed in my life since I stopped blogging. For one thing, I got a job at a really shitty department store, to which I gave four weeks notice about a week ago. I lost a best friend, who thought it would be a great idea to drop out of high school and never tell me directly, despite our over three years of friendship. I lost another friend, who I unfortunately wasn't as close with, to suicide. I gained three new close friends, whom I am still struggling to share my more private self with: K, P and C. My mother still leaves an empty space where maternal affection should be. My father and I don't fight quite so much, but I still wish we had the closeness we did before his remarriage. My baby step brother is nearing 16 months old now, taking his first steps and brightening my world with every smile. I miss you girls-- if any of you can forgive me for my absence at your blogs, and hear my pleas to rejoin the world of the living-unliving. The silent voice never left. I only ignored her demands and now she is so angry, screaming and stomping that she will not go unheard.