Mild non-failure?

I am... Happy with yesterday, post-waffle :) lunch was a half cup primavera sauce, a cup of frozen baby carrots, half tablespoon nutritional yeast and 10 tiny tortellinis, to give me energy for work. At work I snacked on a tub of fruit - about 3 cups in watermelon, cantalope and mango. Dinner was a salad made of 1/8 of a cup of cous cous, a small kiddy box of raisins, a hard boiled egg, a cup of mixed greens, a yellow pepper, two tomatoes and 15 pearl bocconcinis. No dressing. And a Pepsi Zero that tasted like heaven. And, after work, about two cups of watermelon and grapes, and a few bites of cantalope.... Not so bad, considering the proceeding days fuck-ups. .... So today will start with a half cup of yogurt, some frozen blueberries and some grapes. Then some sort of lunch. And again, snacking on a tub of fruit at work, and something filling but small calorie for dinner. Tomorrow is going to be very boozey, and hopefully very high, so I gotta pray for some self control. Diet Pepsi with rum and weed with no munchies, I hope? .... Not going to weigh until Tuesday after I clean myself with laxies. That will tell me how much to hate myself during my hardcore yoga class that night. .... In other news, I have booked my little trip to visit the city where I'm going to school next year. I'm going from August 6 to 9, taking the train in and staying at the Rez building were I'll be living, because the university rents the rooms as a hotel during the summer. One month until university. Less than a month until move-in day, actually. August 25th-- I'm so nervous! I want to show up there as a thin, beautiful girl, not some heap of blubbler coated in excess grossness. Just sayin'. ... Alrighty well it's time for some breaky now so I'll be off, and I wish any readers a day of strength and success, because really that's all there is to hope for. Xoxox Kay

There is cellulite bubbling beneath my tights...

Yesterday was a disaster too. Not as bad, but still bad. I still owe myself one nice deep cut. I'll save it I think for today or tomorrow after work. It's like a little prize I want to redeem when I'm in an especially self- loathing mood. Which has actually been more often then usual, as of late. I haven't seen any friends in a week since my three dearest have been recently coupled with three guys who are good friends. No room for the seventh wheel. No room for a fat pile of shit like myself. I must find the nearest sketchy 24 hour drugstore near by where i can by diet pills and laxies after work tonight. That should solve most of my problems. . . . In other news,today was my goal day for the still blubbery weight of 120lbs. And I am such a failure. Which, really, is all I should have expected. I will hope on now for a progress weight but it won't be pretty... . . . I am 124 pounds of misery and self loathing. . It's only 10 in the morning and I'm already near 300 calories. I had a pancake, a few chunks of watermelon and some juice. For work, I will pack a big tub of watermelon and canalope, a salad with veggies, a hard boiled egg and some cous cous, water, a tiny bite of something sweet to keep me away for the vending machines, and a piece of something carb ish to keep me a way from McDonalds. Before work I will probably have frozen veggies in primavera sauce with nutritional yest and a few pieces of mini chees tortellini. So 1220ish for the day. . . . I need to suck less. I don't lnow why it's been such a struggle to think before I eat lately. Maybe the lack of easilY accessible thinspo? I should put some on my phone to carry around with me. I want to be 120 by next Saturday so I can get my nose peirced. Four pounds in 7 days means a deficit of 2000 calories a day. Today my deficit is probably 800-1000 with my BMR plus being active at work. So next week, yoga every day, walk everywhere, and stick to 500 calories a day? And diet pills and laxies and tell my finger to do what I want it to down my throat. I wonder how long until I fuck up...

Shitfuck

Tonight, when I get home from yoga, don't eat, and wait until everyone goes to sleep, I am going to let myself put a nice deep red line in my skin. I'm still deciding where. Maybe my inner thighs or my hips. Somewhere to remind me that I need so much work and I am so far from achieving my goals. I was horrible today. Yesterday I ate like a good girl. Mostly fruits and salads and some small nibbles of cheese and crackers but today I fucked up so horribly. I don't think I can even recount for you everything I ate. Someone please tell me how to empty myself. I am still out of laxies and I want to puke soo bad but nothing comes up. I just gag on air and my eyes burn and I hate myself so much. I just want to get drunk and cut off all the fat. Slice it off my flabby arms, thunder thighs, rounded belly. Fillet myself like a fish until there's nothing left but perfect bloody bones. I want to make it all go away.... Can anyone hear me cry?

Discouraged

Since my last post, I have been an awfully naughty girl. I finished that day with a plain bagel, a half tablespoon of light cream cheese and a wee bit of smoked salmon. And juice and tea. The next morning (yesterday) I had another bagel, this time with a half tablespoon of light cream cheese, a half tablespoon of roasted red pepper hummus and a third of a cup of mixed greens. Then I snacked on a small mango smoothie from Timothy's. Lunch was a raspberry smoothie (small), half of a panino with pesto, spinach, tomato and mozzarella, a carrot cake squared (iced) and about a third of a cup of chickpea salad. I snacked on a bite of a chocolate that tasted awful so I didn't finish it, then I left work and went to yoga, where I burnt about 350 calories. For dinner I had the other half panino, half a cup of strawberries, a cup of green grapes, half a cup of heirloom tomatoes, half a cucumber and two tablespoons of bruchetta (30). This morning I woke up, emptied myself the old fashioned way, and hopped on the scale at 124. Could be worse but I really want to get my nose peirced on Saturday and to do that I wanted to be 120. Four pounds in three days? Not my forte. So for breakfast I'm noshing on a cupof mixed greens, a third of a cup of heirloom tomatoes, half a cup of green grapes, two table spoons of bruchetta, less than a quarter cup of strawberries and a tablespoon of roasted red pepper hummus. After I eat and post this I think I will go for a walk since I couldn't find an appealing yoga class. Tonight I will volenteer at a private screening of some film, so I need to find a classy little ensemble for that. Tomorrow I am volenteering at a hospital, helping my moms friend who works with veterans. If I get any good karma from this, or from the five huge bags of donations I dragged around the block to the charity deposit bin, I would like to redeem by good karma on making those four pounds disappear. As of late, I have been thinking a lot about cutting again. I can't recall if I mentioned this on my blog before, but I was quitting prett religiously a few years back but I made myself stop because the scars on my wrists where hard to hide in dance class without looking suspicious. Of course to cutting triggered more of a relapse into my disordered eating habits. Anyways. I miss the sensation and the release and the control that cutting gives me, but I know I shouldn't start again because, like I am with cigarettes, I believe the slightest taste of an addiction I so dearly miss will ruin the years of strength in quitting and I will once again be ruled by the compulsion to do the addictive behavior. So I think my solution just might be to smoke more weed when I am experiencing an awful strain on my will power. Drinking just seems to make me want these things more. And drinking has calories, while weed does not, so long as I avoid all munchies. I wish I could look in the mirror without fighting back tears. I wish I could be strong and thin and beautiful and happy. I wish I didn't feel so alone.

Safe Foods

Today I took my baby brother for a two hour stool, burning about 300 calories at my level of fatness. Breakfast was two chocolate chip waffles, lunch was a bowl of corn, baby carrots and tomato sauce, and I snacked on rice cakes and mustard. So input minus output: so far, 225ish. Probably 300 more for dinner, and another 100 calorie snack of rice cakes (hopefully with salsa this time). Or maybe a tofu thing, which is 90. I want to finish today with an input of 1000 calories. And I need to buy more laxies. It's been a year since I used those for their magic properties and chances are I will fuck up badly soon and need them. Laxies are like the friend that will pick you up anywhere when you're drunk and in trouble. In other news, I have been thinking as of late about the foods that trigger what society considers to be disordered eating. For me, it's diet Pepsi lime, Campbells light garden minestrone, Quaker plain rice cakes, salsa, celery sticks, cheap green tea and those tiny chocolate chips as rewards or saviors from drowning blood sugar levels. Also, five calorie Jello, frozen grapes and cups of ice. If anyone is reading this, what are your trigger foods, or your 'safe' foods?