A Story I Never Want to Tell

I would like to tell you a story. This is not a fairytale with girls with long golden hair or dragons that breath fire or princes on galloping horses. This is a story about a little girl named Kay. Kay was a happy little girl, with parents who loved her and an older brother and maybe even a goldfish. Kay had blond ringlets, big blue eyes and pearly white teeth. When Kay was four or five something happened. Something that shouldn't ever happen to little girls with parents that loved them and goldfish that haven't yet been flushed down the toilet. Kay was molested by her older brother. Her older brother who was supposed to protect Kay and keep her safe and love her the way Kay, now sixteen years old, loves her baby half-brother. But little four or five year old Kay didn't know what to do. Her parents always taught her never to let a stranger ever touch her private parts, but this was even stranger. Kay became angry and scared and confused because her parents had stopped loving each other and her goldfish had long ago died and now she was a girl of about six and her mind no longer fit into the universe. So her parents sent her to anger management, cognitive behavioural therapy, to fix the problem, the unexplained anger, so Kay would stop being a difficult child and a burden on their broken marriage. Kay's blond ringlets turned dirty and frizzy, her blue eyes greyed and her pearly white teeth fell out. And nobody knew why. Suddenly eating crackers shaped like goldfish made her angry and scared and confused, but she learnt to feel those emotions on the inside and never, ever tell because that's what anger management, cognitive behavioural therapy had taught her. Now Kay was perhaps ten. Her parents sat her down and told her that her big brother, the one that was supposed to protect her and keep her safe and love her, had molested their cousin, a little boy of about four or five at the time. Kay felt a sick twinge inside her as she shook her head the questions asked. If anything had happened to her, she had blocked it all out by then, locked it away in the very back of her mind and thrown the key into the ocean with all the fish that had been flushed down the toilet with broken marriages. But one day, when Kay was approximately thirteen or fourteen, she read a book, a novel where the main character had been raped. And she read another because something felt oddly true and familiar to Kay in these books. Like a flood of light after a drought of darkness, she was left gasping for air at what she knew all along had happened to her as a little blond ringleted, blue eyed, pearly white toothed girl of four or five. But she had forgotten how to speak. Somewhere between four or five and thirteen or fourteen, this little girl had forgotten how to open her mouth and form it in the shape of real words with meaning. She had been a girl on autopilot for so many years, keeping anything with feeling inside and now it was too late to tell. At sixteen, now a big sister to her baby half-brother, Kay is a pretend girl with pretend feelings, but she is still angry and scared and confused on the inside of her mannequin exterior. Her skin is made of ceramic-coated metals and nothing can be let out unless her skin is broken and even then, her blood is too thick from the tears shed over dead goldfish so blackened blood trickles out in droplets the size of pin-pricks. She is the princess of her own fairytale gone wrong. i posted this here a very long time ago and i think if i ever find the courge to speak, i might read this at an open mic. to see who hears.

I Hope I Get It!

Forgot some details when I posted last! This is what happens when I am a naughty girl who forgets to blog her life away xP

So the doctors appointment went well. She is switching me from the pill to the patch as soon as I use up the pills my fathers insurance has already paid for. And I am getting Concerta, which I Googled, and it causes suppressed appetite and increased metabolism and all that fun stuff, but I cant start it until I start school again. No weight lecture or warning or anything from my doctor, which leaves me hopeful that her memory has been erased about the whole thing before.

And yesterdays job interview was lovely. The interviewer made me feel so comfortable and I felt great in my pencil skirt and stillettoes (chashier job, haha). I have been asked to return for the second out of three rounds of interviews, and I will be contacted very soon about when that will be. Yay!

Christina: Thank you for your darling comment as usual, you brighten my day :) It is a good idea to get a scale, but be sure to get a decent and reliable one because an unreliable scale is worse than no scale at all!

And A Choruc Line was positively terrific. The music, the dancing, the plot! I loved every minute of the show and if it hadnt have been closing night, I would have begged my grandparents to drive me the hour and a bit there so I could see each and every matinee and evening performance until the show was closed. It was wonderful :)

Question of the post: Favorite musical?

Audrey Hepburn Pictures, Office Supplies, Drunken Rave Goings

Hello my lovelies :)

Sorry for my lack of posting, I promise to start posting more frequently as of RIGHT NOW but all of this week I was sleeping at other peoples houses so I couldnt really blog. Anyways, thank you to my lovely followers, you are the girls who sustain me! You complete me, and after my mega depressed post the other day, I am fairly certain you girls are what keep me alive. When the scale is mean, when the weather is lousy, when my growling stomach wont shut the fuck up, you girls are what keep me going.

So I actually have some good news today! I found the scale at my dads place, and I am currently trying to sceme a way to bring it to my moms place where I can weigh more frequently and secretivly. This is one of those scales with the numbers on a spinning metal disk (analog type thing) so its hard to read accuratly but it will always know the true numbers. And you dont step on one minute at 123 and again the next minute and get 130. Thats good. And, drum roll please, the magic number on the scale is............................... 124 pounds! YAY! I have accomplished something. And you know what, I am going to let myself be danm happy about this! So when I weigh in again, Monday morning or Tuesday morning, I WILL be 123. This is totally possible. And when I do my final summer vacation weigh in, the morning of September sixth, the morning of my first day of grade twelve, it will be the morning that the scale will tell me I am 115 pounds and the mirror will tell me I am beautiful.

So, some bad news. But mostly worth it. I was at this awesome outdoor rave on... Tuesday? and I got shitfaced and had plenty of fun. My friends were all on MDMA and I was the 'sober' person of the night, not on drugs but drunk out of my mind on rum and scotch and wisky and I dont know what else. So there was this lolipop. I know for a fact it had 100 calories or less in it, and I had about 10 calories worth. But I was drunk and giggly and flirty.... and almost self confidant because of the boozey. So I was sharing the loli with a bunch of my friends and some strangers... and some more strangers. So then yesterday I got this bug thing and I think I probably got it from sharing booze and loli with ravers I dont know... and I dont know what drug residue got on my lolipop but I got pretty fucked up that night and had a good time. And the bug from yesterday is mostly gone, which is good because I felt really god-aweful shitty yesterday.

And last night I got a phone call from Staples, the office supply store, asking my to come in for an interview today for a part time position as a chashier and copy center person. Yippie! I need a job to badly if I am going to go to university!!! I have about 4000 bucks, and another 3000-4000 I need to save, for first year tuition alone. FML.

Tonight my grandparents are taking me to see A Chorus Line, so I am quite excited. I have a little Audrey Hepburn inspired outfit to wear, with a little Audrey style black dress, a summery black and white bag and black heals. Might wear pearls too! I like to dress up like a lady sometimes... So I descided the theme of todays thinspo will be Audrey! The most elegant, classy person the world has seen :)

Stay strong and beautiful my lovelies, I adore you all!

xoxoxox Kay

Short Post While I Wait For My Laundry To Finish...

I feel so gross right now. I want to puke. But I've never successfully purged before. Because I fail at everything. Is there a first for anything? Ugh. Why am I such a fat ass? Oh, wait! I know why! Because I continue to stuff my face even though I know the outcome. Today I ate Yogurt and cereal for breakfast (300?), FOUR Ikea vegetable medalions (520) plus veggies and butter (80-100?) and chips (100) and chocolate chips (50) and yourt with blueberries (150?) and a couple spoonfuls of jello (>5) and juice (200). And its only 4pm. I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE. Ugh.

I need to start not sucking at life otheriwse I will lose all my followers unless you guys read me as reverse thinspo? I hate my life, I hate my body, I hate the fact that I have the control but I dont have the will power to change any of this. If I ever meet any of you in person, please promise to put a bullet through my scull. No, I dont even deserve the freedom of dying.

My Readers Are Beautiful!

Sorry I havn't posted in a few days! I wish I could say that I've been super busy, but truthfully I havn't.  I've just been lazy and not terribly motivated to blog about what a massive failure I am. Seriously, if I dont stop fucking up now, I will NEVER get to 115 by the time school starts. Six weeks, one day. Approx. 12lbs to go. Two pounds a week? Totally doable. Calorie loss of 1000 calories a day is actually considered healthy, right? Except all I do anymore is starve and binge, starve and binge. Ugh, I am such a fucking failure :(

COMMENTS!

Kate: Your work-out sounds awesome, thank you so much! The weather here has cooled down a tiny bit so I've managed to drag my fat ass out of the house for a jog :) Also, how does re-calibrating the scale work? Its my grandparents scale, so I cant take it apart or anything obvious, but if its just a button? Thanks for the comment!

Christina: Yeah, my Dad thinks its weird that I'm a 'twig' (totally not, but his wife loves to bake so in comparison...) yet I love to cook and watch the Food Network. Sometimes, if I have to starve to make up for a binge, I'll look at foodporndaily.com as an added punishment. Plus, its a good reminder of the stuff I can eat when I'm thin! And I'm trying to convince my mom to buy me a new scale, but I dont want to make it too obvious cause she knows I have/ had ED issues.

Wishes: Thank you for commenting :) I have an exercise ball, but I need to get more air pumped into it I think cause its kinda flat so I dont get much out of it. Do you have a favorite exercise ball work out? I havnt used it before haha not really sure what to do with it!

Jane: Welcome to my blog :) I will deffinatly get a new scale as soon as I have some money. Its crazy that I dont have one yet! And I know what you mean, about sometimes not wanting to think about food. Unfortunatly it seems to be the only thing on my mind these days!

So I was talking to my dad yesterday about what I can do to make myself stand out on paper when I apply for universities this year. Its pretty much all I can talk about anymore. Its driving me nuts and putting my anxiety levels through the roof. Gahh.

I want to be an investigative journalist. I think I want to start working for a newspaper when I graduate from uni, then, when I am more established as a journalist, try working with some film-makers and create documentaries. I love researching (I can spend HOURS or DAYS researching diets and such) so this was the most interesting career ambition I could come up with, and I love to write.

Anyways, my dad suggested I start a blog, and blog about something that interests me. He doesnt know about my blogging here, and cant ever know I`m back into the ED world and dieting and such. So I played along, and now I think I want to start a RL blog about vegetarianism and recipes and cool restaurants and such. Its funny the only thing I can blog abou or think about is food. Stupid food is my whole stupid fucking universe. Ugh. No wonder I am such a fat ass.

 Anywhoooooo... today is my doctors appointment. I have to talk to her about switching birth control pills to one that doesnt make me puke, and I have to beg for some Ritalin to make me skinny help me focus and manage my ADHD. I really hope she lets me do it. If she wants me back to monitor my weight because of my `previou`s disordered eating issues`then I will turn to Wintergirls for help. Quarters sewn into my pockets and clouds in front of my eyes...

I hope my lovely readers are all doing well. I`ve been trying to comment on peoples blogs as much as possible, but Blogger is a bit of a bitch sometimes. If you havn`t already, pretty please enable the name and url option for commenting, because otherwise I cant comment (my AIM is being a dumbfuck). Also, I added a content warning cause I`ve noticed I have a bit of a potty-mouth and the stuff I am writing about... isn`t something I want little kids finding I guess. But my beautiful readers, please have a wonderful Monday!

Question of the post: Did your last weigh-in leave you happy or disappointed and why?

xoxox Kay