Hey readers :) I am back from Washington, safe and sound. I enjoyed the trip, came back at 123.5 pounds. Not so bad. Lately I have not felt like blogging. Maybe this will improve. But bye-bye to blogging for the next few weeks. Sorry yall.
Stay Strong
xoxox Kay
Saturday, August 27
Monday, August 15
Off to Washington! Ta-ta for a Week..
Hey yall :) Just letting ya know I am so terribly sorry for not having posted mucho, and I promise when I return I will give a day by day retell of my va-kay meals, sights and such. And the ten+ hour car ride with my four month old screaming baby brother. What fun! Haha but I truely am excited :) And if my readers miss me, please follow the lovely Christina of
as she is a wonderful writer, a beautiful girl and as we all are, in much need of love and support. So give her a follow, because she is probably the only one I will have time to read while I am away. If anyone desperatly wants my readings over the next week, lemme know below. Otherwise, I may post Wednesday morning with my before weight, or I may now. Lets hope for some major losses! Or... not gains!
Have a great week beauties, I need some shut-eye now.
Stay Stong
xoxox Kay
| Feels So Much Like Falling |
|---|
Have a great week beauties, I need some shut-eye now.
Stay Stong
xoxox Kay
Wednesday, August 10
Still Alive!
Hey beautiful girls :) A week between posts, naughty Kay! I really need to get back to posting every day or at least every other day, but its been hard with all the time I'm spending at my dads place and I just havnt been in the mood to write when I'm at my moms place. I'm too day-dreamy lately, and I really need to get some pills lol.
After a big, fun, food-focused street festival on the weekend, I went up from 122ish to 125ish. Ugh. But then again, when I hoped on the scale, I still hadnt shitted (shat?) out most of the stuff I... stuffed myself with over the weekend. Seriously, I let go and let myself feel full. Which is awful. I hate feeling full. Its like feeling so incredibly fat and bloated and nauseus and like youre going to shit your pants simultaniously. I forgot what that felt like.
On Friday I went with some friends to the beach and we actually had a blast. We were about fifteen people, then we mett two drunk chicks plus one of their boyfriends and we were strangers but I invited them to chill with us after helping up on of the drunk chicks who really couldnt stand. It was so much fun :) Then we met some basass asian guys and played water vollyball with them, even though I am terrified of anything sports-related or sports equippment-relate, and I cant swim. But it was fun. And yes, I spent a couple hours in public in a bikini. I just tried not to dwell on that fact and to have fun for a change. And I did :)
On a less cheerful note, I didnt get the job at Staples. Three interviews, submitted reqested references and they didnt like me. Sucks. I think it was the third interview that did it. I was too danm nervous. Or one of my references? I thought they were all solid. Ugh, anyways I am super upset I didnt get the job, and more so upset because my family kept telling me I would. And now I feel like a failure and a disappointment and a fat whore. And how the fuck am I going to pay for university now?! I am completely and utterly screwed.
And of course, because I am so incredibly fucked up, I see this as a bad thing: because I didnt get the job, I am able to go away to Washington with my dad and step mom and baby brother for a week. I should be happy! But I am terrified of all the foodfoodfood there will be, and since we are staying with my step moms friends family, they might be cooking 'special' dishes for me, since I am vegetarian, which means I will likely be forced to eat incredibly high fat and high calorie foods and smile and say its lovely. AND NO SCALE?! Fuck my fucking life. Shoot me? Please?
Well, my mother is going to give me $100 to get some clothes (nothing fits right anymore) before I go away. Maybe. I dont really ever know with her, because she is an alcoholic (in denial and completely untreated) and I am pretty sure she is bipolar. And she hates me right now. So if she likes me again by this weekend, I will get some clothes that fit to wear to Washington. Otherwise I will be living in the same Walmart shorts and a couple t-shirts for a week or something. If I dont get too fat for that too.
Today, my friend is having a pool party. So I need to get my bikini from my dads place and I might meet up with my bestie (hardly seen her all summer) and get my eyebrows waxed first. They really need it... But I think my weight goal might need to change. See, I really dont think I will be able to lose ten pounds in under four weeks. So then I cant go back to school and have people say "You look great! Have you lost weight?" and I wont be able to reply "Yeah. I lost twenty pounds, thanks for noticing! You look great too! Is that a new haircut/haircolor/shirt?" And be all lovely. I wont get to do that because I am naughty and a badbadbad girl.
And I really dont think twenty will be enough. See, my goal was to be the same weight as my bestie, even though I am two inches taller, maybe three. I want to be as tiny as her. But she looks tinier now, seeing her again after a few weeks. So I might need 110 or 105 to be as small as her. Which is awesome, because I am ultimatly shooting for double digits, maybe an ideal 90lbs by iniversity, 98lbs by prom at the end of this school year. But this will take time. To be 110 or 105, sticking to 1K calories a day will take until November or December. Groan.
@Christina, thanks sweetheart! Youre contant faith and encouragement means a lot to me :)
@weightless Welcome! Please keep reading and I'll read you when I can as well!
Welcome to all my new followers that seem to have popped up while I was busy... not posting for a weeK? Hahaha I love you guys <3
And please comment you guys! I love to hear what you have to say! If I am not following, say hello in the comment section below (rhymes!) otherwise, answer the question of the post!
Question: What makes you feel strong?
After a big, fun, food-focused street festival on the weekend, I went up from 122ish to 125ish. Ugh. But then again, when I hoped on the scale, I still hadnt shitted (shat?) out most of the stuff I... stuffed myself with over the weekend. Seriously, I let go and let myself feel full. Which is awful. I hate feeling full. Its like feeling so incredibly fat and bloated and nauseus and like youre going to shit your pants simultaniously. I forgot what that felt like.
On Friday I went with some friends to the beach and we actually had a blast. We were about fifteen people, then we mett two drunk chicks plus one of their boyfriends and we were strangers but I invited them to chill with us after helping up on of the drunk chicks who really couldnt stand. It was so much fun :) Then we met some basass asian guys and played water vollyball with them, even though I am terrified of anything sports-related or sports equippment-relate, and I cant swim. But it was fun. And yes, I spent a couple hours in public in a bikini. I just tried not to dwell on that fact and to have fun for a change. And I did :)
On a less cheerful note, I didnt get the job at Staples. Three interviews, submitted reqested references and they didnt like me. Sucks. I think it was the third interview that did it. I was too danm nervous. Or one of my references? I thought they were all solid. Ugh, anyways I am super upset I didnt get the job, and more so upset because my family kept telling me I would. And now I feel like a failure and a disappointment and a fat whore. And how the fuck am I going to pay for university now?! I am completely and utterly screwed.
And of course, because I am so incredibly fucked up, I see this as a bad thing: because I didnt get the job, I am able to go away to Washington with my dad and step mom and baby brother for a week. I should be happy! But I am terrified of all the foodfoodfood there will be, and since we are staying with my step moms friends family, they might be cooking 'special' dishes for me, since I am vegetarian, which means I will likely be forced to eat incredibly high fat and high calorie foods and smile and say its lovely. AND NO SCALE?! Fuck my fucking life. Shoot me? Please?
Well, my mother is going to give me $100 to get some clothes (nothing fits right anymore) before I go away. Maybe. I dont really ever know with her, because she is an alcoholic (in denial and completely untreated) and I am pretty sure she is bipolar. And she hates me right now. So if she likes me again by this weekend, I will get some clothes that fit to wear to Washington. Otherwise I will be living in the same Walmart shorts and a couple t-shirts for a week or something. If I dont get too fat for that too.
Today, my friend is having a pool party. So I need to get my bikini from my dads place and I might meet up with my bestie (hardly seen her all summer) and get my eyebrows waxed first. They really need it... But I think my weight goal might need to change. See, I really dont think I will be able to lose ten pounds in under four weeks. So then I cant go back to school and have people say "You look great! Have you lost weight?" and I wont be able to reply "Yeah. I lost twenty pounds, thanks for noticing! You look great too! Is that a new haircut/haircolor/shirt?" And be all lovely. I wont get to do that because I am naughty and a badbadbad girl.
And I really dont think twenty will be enough. See, my goal was to be the same weight as my bestie, even though I am two inches taller, maybe three. I want to be as tiny as her. But she looks tinier now, seeing her again after a few weeks. So I might need 110 or 105 to be as small as her. Which is awesome, because I am ultimatly shooting for double digits, maybe an ideal 90lbs by iniversity, 98lbs by prom at the end of this school year. But this will take time. To be 110 or 105, sticking to 1K calories a day will take until November or December. Groan.
@Christina, thanks sweetheart! Youre contant faith and encouragement means a lot to me :)
@weightless Welcome! Please keep reading and I'll read you when I can as well!
Welcome to all my new followers that seem to have popped up while I was busy... not posting for a weeK? Hahaha I love you guys <3
And please comment you guys! I love to hear what you have to say! If I am not following, say hello in the comment section below (rhymes!) otherwise, answer the question of the post!
Question: What makes you feel strong?
Wednesday, August 3
You Are What You Eat
Hey bloggers.
I've been okay lately. I had a couple days of good-girl eating. Then I had a couple days of naughty-girl eating. So today I am trying to get back on track, and I figured blogging would be helpful with that.
I always seem to eat lousy when I stay at my dads place, for a number of reasons. The biggest reason is probably my step moms love of sweets, chocolate and anything high calorie. Its like air to her, I have yet to see her go an entire day without chocolate of some sort. So I am surrounded my junk. Plus, I dont go with for the grocery shopping for thier house, so I dont get to pick much good stuff for them to keep there for me to eat. Just pro-biotic yogurt, thats the only thing they know I like. And I probably also eat shit food there cause I know I cant find out the calories until I get back home to my dads place, so I am just left guessing and even then I usually let myself have to many treats. I swear, my dads place is a fucking bingers heaven.
Ermmmmm my weight. So Monday it was 121 lbs which made me so happy that I let myself eat cupcakes. Yes, plural. I am a very naughty girl. Last night, after a full day of eating almost like a normal person, and not taking a shit in forever (tmi, sorry), I was 125. BLEGH. No, no there is no way cupcakes, only a few, made me gain that much. At most I must be 122 right now. But its hard to say. I need to go lax myself out, starve until I'm clean and empty, and then I can get a true reading. But at least this time its me, not the scale.
I need to get skinny. There is less than five weeks until I being grade twelve, and I NEED to be 115lbs by then. Six or eight pounds is sooooooo possible. Thats less than two pounds a week. I can do that! I need to, because I need a 'woah' when I get back to school. I need to find a boyfriend so I can fall in love and have sex with a boy I love for the very first time on prom night, and then live happily ever after. But in order to trick a boy into liking me, I will need to do more than lose twenty pounds over summer vacation, I need to get more of a tan (what I have now is okayyyy, but...), I need to whiten my teeth until they sparkle, clear the last of this persistant acne off my danm face and I need to learn to sit up straight all the time so I will have lovely abs and lovely posture.
And about the Staples interview, still no word back about the follow up. I called today, because the manager ( there are tree total) who interviewed me is on vacation this week, and the clueless guy I talked to said I will probably hear back when she returns. Ugh. Another week! I need to find out if I have the job asap so I know if I am going with my dad and step mom and baby brother to Washington for a week. People (real life people, that is) keep asking which Washington I am going to. I dont know, but I am pretty sure its the one with Obama and the White House. I dont know. But if I get the job at Staples, I cant go to Washington. Bummerrrrrr.
To those who commented on my last post, A Story I Never Want to Tell, thank you for your kind words. There are too many people out there who have been through that and its scary to know there are so many bad people out there too, who do those kinds of things. But, even though I doubt I will ever be able to tell my parents, I feel as though I can live with this. What happened to me when I was younger was not right and it doesnt at all define me as a person. It is a part of who I am. I appritate your support, that certainly wasnt an easy thing to write and I probably wouldnt have been able to if I didnt think my readers cared to listen. So thank you all so much for your endless love and support for my musings and life.
I've been okay lately. I had a couple days of good-girl eating. Then I had a couple days of naughty-girl eating. So today I am trying to get back on track, and I figured blogging would be helpful with that.
I always seem to eat lousy when I stay at my dads place, for a number of reasons. The biggest reason is probably my step moms love of sweets, chocolate and anything high calorie. Its like air to her, I have yet to see her go an entire day without chocolate of some sort. So I am surrounded my junk. Plus, I dont go with for the grocery shopping for thier house, so I dont get to pick much good stuff for them to keep there for me to eat. Just pro-biotic yogurt, thats the only thing they know I like. And I probably also eat shit food there cause I know I cant find out the calories until I get back home to my dads place, so I am just left guessing and even then I usually let myself have to many treats. I swear, my dads place is a fucking bingers heaven.
Ermmmmm my weight. So Monday it was 121 lbs which made me so happy that I let myself eat cupcakes. Yes, plural. I am a very naughty girl. Last night, after a full day of eating almost like a normal person, and not taking a shit in forever (tmi, sorry), I was 125. BLEGH. No, no there is no way cupcakes, only a few, made me gain that much. At most I must be 122 right now. But its hard to say. I need to go lax myself out, starve until I'm clean and empty, and then I can get a true reading. But at least this time its me, not the scale.
I need to get skinny. There is less than five weeks until I being grade twelve, and I NEED to be 115lbs by then. Six or eight pounds is sooooooo possible. Thats less than two pounds a week. I can do that! I need to, because I need a 'woah' when I get back to school. I need to find a boyfriend so I can fall in love and have sex with a boy I love for the very first time on prom night, and then live happily ever after. But in order to trick a boy into liking me, I will need to do more than lose twenty pounds over summer vacation, I need to get more of a tan (what I have now is okayyyy, but...), I need to whiten my teeth until they sparkle, clear the last of this persistant acne off my danm face and I need to learn to sit up straight all the time so I will have lovely abs and lovely posture.
And about the Staples interview, still no word back about the follow up. I called today, because the manager ( there are tree total) who interviewed me is on vacation this week, and the clueless guy I talked to said I will probably hear back when she returns. Ugh. Another week! I need to find out if I have the job asap so I know if I am going with my dad and step mom and baby brother to Washington for a week. People (real life people, that is) keep asking which Washington I am going to. I dont know, but I am pretty sure its the one with Obama and the White House. I dont know. But if I get the job at Staples, I cant go to Washington. Bummerrrrrr.
To those who commented on my last post, A Story I Never Want to Tell, thank you for your kind words. There are too many people out there who have been through that and its scary to know there are so many bad people out there too, who do those kinds of things. But, even though I doubt I will ever be able to tell my parents, I feel as though I can live with this. What happened to me when I was younger was not right and it doesnt at all define me as a person. It is a part of who I am. I appritate your support, that certainly wasnt an easy thing to write and I probably wouldnt have been able to if I didnt think my readers cared to listen. So thank you all so much for your endless love and support for my musings and life.
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