A Story I Never Want to Tell

I would like to tell you a story. This is not a fairytale with girls with long golden hair or dragons that breath fire or princes on galloping horses. This is a story about a little girl named Kay. Kay was a happy little girl, with parents who loved her and an older brother and maybe even a goldfish. Kay had blond ringlets, big blue eyes and pearly white teeth. When Kay was four or five something happened. Something that shouldn't ever happen to little girls with parents that loved them and goldfish that haven't yet been flushed down the toilet. Kay was molested by her older brother. Her older brother who was supposed to protect Kay and keep her safe and love her the way Kay, now sixteen years old, loves her baby half-brother. But little four or five year old Kay didn't know what to do. Her parents always taught her never to let a stranger ever touch her private parts, but this was even stranger. Kay became angry and scared and confused because her parents had stopped loving each other and her goldfish had long ago died and now she was a girl of about six and her mind no longer fit into the universe. So her parents sent her to anger management, cognitive behavioural therapy, to fix the problem, the unexplained anger, so Kay would stop being a difficult child and a burden on their broken marriage. Kay's blond ringlets turned dirty and frizzy, her blue eyes greyed and her pearly white teeth fell out. And nobody knew why. Suddenly eating crackers shaped like goldfish made her angry and scared and confused, but she learnt to feel those emotions on the inside and never, ever tell because that's what anger management, cognitive behavioural therapy had taught her. Now Kay was perhaps ten. Her parents sat her down and told her that her big brother, the one that was supposed to protect her and keep her safe and love her, had molested their cousin, a little boy of about four or five at the time. Kay felt a sick twinge inside her as she shook her head the questions asked. If anything had happened to her, she had blocked it all out by then, locked it away in the very back of her mind and thrown the key into the ocean with all the fish that had been flushed down the toilet with broken marriages. But one day, when Kay was approximately thirteen or fourteen, she read a book, a novel where the main character had been raped. And she read another because something felt oddly true and familiar to Kay in these books. Like a flood of light after a drought of darkness, she was left gasping for air at what she knew all along had happened to her as a little blond ringleted, blue eyed, pearly white toothed girl of four or five. But she had forgotten how to speak. Somewhere between four or five and thirteen or fourteen, this little girl had forgotten how to open her mouth and form it in the shape of real words with meaning. She had been a girl on autopilot for so many years, keeping anything with feeling inside and now it was too late to tell. At sixteen, now a big sister to her baby half-brother, Kay is a pretend girl with pretend feelings, but she is still angry and scared and confused on the inside of her mannequin exterior. Her skin is made of ceramic-coated metals and nothing can be let out unless her skin is broken and even then, her blood is too thick from the tears shed over dead goldfish so blackened blood trickles out in droplets the size of pin-pricks. She is the princess of her own fairytale gone wrong. i posted this here a very long time ago and i think if i ever find the courge to speak, i might read this at an open mic. to see who hears.

I Hope I Get It!

Forgot some details when I posted last! This is what happens when I am a naughty girl who forgets to blog her life away xP

So the doctors appointment went well. She is switching me from the pill to the patch as soon as I use up the pills my fathers insurance has already paid for. And I am getting Concerta, which I Googled, and it causes suppressed appetite and increased metabolism and all that fun stuff, but I cant start it until I start school again. No weight lecture or warning or anything from my doctor, which leaves me hopeful that her memory has been erased about the whole thing before.

And yesterdays job interview was lovely. The interviewer made me feel so comfortable and I felt great in my pencil skirt and stillettoes (chashier job, haha). I have been asked to return for the second out of three rounds of interviews, and I will be contacted very soon about when that will be. Yay!

Christina: Thank you for your darling comment as usual, you brighten my day :) It is a good idea to get a scale, but be sure to get a decent and reliable one because an unreliable scale is worse than no scale at all!

And A Choruc Line was positively terrific. The music, the dancing, the plot! I loved every minute of the show and if it hadnt have been closing night, I would have begged my grandparents to drive me the hour and a bit there so I could see each and every matinee and evening performance until the show was closed. It was wonderful :)

Question of the post: Favorite musical?

Audrey Hepburn Pictures, Office Supplies, Drunken Rave Goings

Hello my lovelies :)

Sorry for my lack of posting, I promise to start posting more frequently as of RIGHT NOW but all of this week I was sleeping at other peoples houses so I couldnt really blog. Anyways, thank you to my lovely followers, you are the girls who sustain me! You complete me, and after my mega depressed post the other day, I am fairly certain you girls are what keep me alive. When the scale is mean, when the weather is lousy, when my growling stomach wont shut the fuck up, you girls are what keep me going.

So I actually have some good news today! I found the scale at my dads place, and I am currently trying to sceme a way to bring it to my moms place where I can weigh more frequently and secretivly. This is one of those scales with the numbers on a spinning metal disk (analog type thing) so its hard to read accuratly but it will always know the true numbers. And you dont step on one minute at 123 and again the next minute and get 130. Thats good. And, drum roll please, the magic number on the scale is............................... 124 pounds! YAY! I have accomplished something. And you know what, I am going to let myself be danm happy about this! So when I weigh in again, Monday morning or Tuesday morning, I WILL be 123. This is totally possible. And when I do my final summer vacation weigh in, the morning of September sixth, the morning of my first day of grade twelve, it will be the morning that the scale will tell me I am 115 pounds and the mirror will tell me I am beautiful.

So, some bad news. But mostly worth it. I was at this awesome outdoor rave on... Tuesday? and I got shitfaced and had plenty of fun. My friends were all on MDMA and I was the 'sober' person of the night, not on drugs but drunk out of my mind on rum and scotch and wisky and I dont know what else. So there was this lolipop. I know for a fact it had 100 calories or less in it, and I had about 10 calories worth. But I was drunk and giggly and flirty.... and almost self confidant because of the boozey. So I was sharing the loli with a bunch of my friends and some strangers... and some more strangers. So then yesterday I got this bug thing and I think I probably got it from sharing booze and loli with ravers I dont know... and I dont know what drug residue got on my lolipop but I got pretty fucked up that night and had a good time. And the bug from yesterday is mostly gone, which is good because I felt really god-aweful shitty yesterday.

And last night I got a phone call from Staples, the office supply store, asking my to come in for an interview today for a part time position as a chashier and copy center person. Yippie! I need a job to badly if I am going to go to university!!! I have about 4000 bucks, and another 3000-4000 I need to save, for first year tuition alone. FML.

Tonight my grandparents are taking me to see A Chorus Line, so I am quite excited. I have a little Audrey Hepburn inspired outfit to wear, with a little Audrey style black dress, a summery black and white bag and black heals. Might wear pearls too! I like to dress up like a lady sometimes... So I descided the theme of todays thinspo will be Audrey! The most elegant, classy person the world has seen :)

Stay strong and beautiful my lovelies, I adore you all!

xoxoxox Kay

Short Post While I Wait For My Laundry To Finish...

I feel so gross right now. I want to puke. But I've never successfully purged before. Because I fail at everything. Is there a first for anything? Ugh. Why am I such a fat ass? Oh, wait! I know why! Because I continue to stuff my face even though I know the outcome. Today I ate Yogurt and cereal for breakfast (300?), FOUR Ikea vegetable medalions (520) plus veggies and butter (80-100?) and chips (100) and chocolate chips (50) and yourt with blueberries (150?) and a couple spoonfuls of jello (>5) and juice (200). And its only 4pm. I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE. Ugh.

I need to start not sucking at life otheriwse I will lose all my followers unless you guys read me as reverse thinspo? I hate my life, I hate my body, I hate the fact that I have the control but I dont have the will power to change any of this. If I ever meet any of you in person, please promise to put a bullet through my scull. No, I dont even deserve the freedom of dying.

My Readers Are Beautiful!

Sorry I havn't posted in a few days! I wish I could say that I've been super busy, but truthfully I havn't.  I've just been lazy and not terribly motivated to blog about what a massive failure I am. Seriously, if I dont stop fucking up now, I will NEVER get to 115 by the time school starts. Six weeks, one day. Approx. 12lbs to go. Two pounds a week? Totally doable. Calorie loss of 1000 calories a day is actually considered healthy, right? Except all I do anymore is starve and binge, starve and binge. Ugh, I am such a fucking failure :(

COMMENTS!

Kate: Your work-out sounds awesome, thank you so much! The weather here has cooled down a tiny bit so I've managed to drag my fat ass out of the house for a jog :) Also, how does re-calibrating the scale work? Its my grandparents scale, so I cant take it apart or anything obvious, but if its just a button? Thanks for the comment!

Christina: Yeah, my Dad thinks its weird that I'm a 'twig' (totally not, but his wife loves to bake so in comparison...) yet I love to cook and watch the Food Network. Sometimes, if I have to starve to make up for a binge, I'll look at foodporndaily.com as an added punishment. Plus, its a good reminder of the stuff I can eat when I'm thin! And I'm trying to convince my mom to buy me a new scale, but I dont want to make it too obvious cause she knows I have/ had ED issues.

Wishes: Thank you for commenting :) I have an exercise ball, but I need to get more air pumped into it I think cause its kinda flat so I dont get much out of it. Do you have a favorite exercise ball work out? I havnt used it before haha not really sure what to do with it!

Jane: Welcome to my blog :) I will deffinatly get a new scale as soon as I have some money. Its crazy that I dont have one yet! And I know what you mean, about sometimes not wanting to think about food. Unfortunatly it seems to be the only thing on my mind these days!

So I was talking to my dad yesterday about what I can do to make myself stand out on paper when I apply for universities this year. Its pretty much all I can talk about anymore. Its driving me nuts and putting my anxiety levels through the roof. Gahh.

I want to be an investigative journalist. I think I want to start working for a newspaper when I graduate from uni, then, when I am more established as a journalist, try working with some film-makers and create documentaries. I love researching (I can spend HOURS or DAYS researching diets and such) so this was the most interesting career ambition I could come up with, and I love to write.

Anyways, my dad suggested I start a blog, and blog about something that interests me. He doesnt know about my blogging here, and cant ever know I`m back into the ED world and dieting and such. So I played along, and now I think I want to start a RL blog about vegetarianism and recipes and cool restaurants and such. Its funny the only thing I can blog abou or think about is food. Stupid food is my whole stupid fucking universe. Ugh. No wonder I am such a fat ass.

 Anywhoooooo... today is my doctors appointment. I have to talk to her about switching birth control pills to one that doesnt make me puke, and I have to beg for some Ritalin to make me skinny help me focus and manage my ADHD. I really hope she lets me do it. If she wants me back to monitor my weight because of my `previou`s disordered eating issues`then I will turn to Wintergirls for help. Quarters sewn into my pockets and clouds in front of my eyes...

I hope my lovely readers are all doing well. I`ve been trying to comment on peoples blogs as much as possible, but Blogger is a bit of a bitch sometimes. If you havn`t already, pretty please enable the name and url option for commenting, because otherwise I cant comment (my AIM is being a dumbfuck). Also, I added a content warning cause I`ve noticed I have a bit of a potty-mouth and the stuff I am writing about... isn`t something I want little kids finding I guess. But my beautiful readers, please have a wonderful Monday!

Question of the post: Did your last weigh-in leave you happy or disappointed and why?

xoxox Kay

Food Network Obsession and a Dishonest Scale

Hey new readers :)

Comments

To my felllow smokers: Thank you for giving me hope that I can get back at it haha. As soon as the weather cools down a little bit (almost 40 celsius right now) I will try to get back at it!

And welcome to Kate and Wishes, all my followers mean so much to me and it delights me to think there are peole out there who are willing to read what I have to say.

Update

Intake has been good, around 1000 calories/ day, max. 1200. Sunday night kinda sucked though because I was baby sitting and I got super stressed and ate like a pig (near 1000 calorie dinner) once my little brother fell asleep. I had planned for a 500-600 calorie dinner that night anyways though, so I wasnt tooooooo far over.

I havnt exercised a ton, due to the extreme heat, but I really need to get back at it. My goal was to start my senior year looking fucking sexy. Just losing weight wont do that-- I need to get my ass out and exercise! Haha any tips on indoor exercised while beating the heat? I'm big on walking, but I really should be working my arms and abs too. I WANT ABS!!!

I weighed the other day (right after stuffing my facing during babysitting, and fully dressed) and when I first hopped on the scale was sweet and told me 123. I nearly cried, I was so happy. But then I hopped on again, so make sure, and because I wanted to see that pretty number again. And the scale told me 130. Liar. Try again, 129. What the hell? I dont know who to believe. I'm going to weigh in again tomorrow night so hopefully the numbers will be a little more consistant then. But seriously! Just go down, stupid number! Let me shed my skin so the world can meet the real me. Finally.

I have also been watching a shit tonne of Food Network. It reminds me of the things I can taste when I'm skinny. I dont deserve it yet, but I'll get there :) For now, though, I just dream about food-- mostly granulated sugar and butter or tirimisu or cheesecake. What food do you day dream about? Favorite foods in the comments below!

Anywhoooo.... have a lovely afternoon!

Stay strong

XOXOX Kay

The Perfect 1000 Calorie Day

This is my dream day haha and hopefully this can be my tomorrow :) Anyways, a real post an update to come, but its time to sleep now so I'll tell you all in the morning/ afternoon!

BREAKFAST: 198
Cherries sweet raw	10 cherry	43
Tangerines mandarin oranges raw	medium (2-3/8” dia)	45
Plums raw	0.5 cup, sliced	38
Strawberries frozen unsweetened	0.5 cup, unthawed	26
Kiwi fruit fresh raw	fruit without skin, medium	46
LUNCH: 138
Cucumber with peel raw	cucumber (8-1/4”)	45
Pepsi diet by Pepsi	355 ml	0
Tomatoes red ripe raw year round average	medium whole (2-3/5” dia)	22
Lettuce green leaf raw	5 leaf outer	18
Rice cake plain quaker	rice cake	35
Sauce ready-to-serve salsa	0.25 cup	17
DINNER: 391
Garden minestrone light campbell	2 cup	140
Sugar free fudgsicle	pops	40
Pc thin original bagel	1.15 bagel	161
Margarine regular unspecified oils without added salt	0.5 tablespoon	50
SNACKS: 273
Tangerines mandarin oranges raw	2 medium (2-3/8" dia)	89
Carrots baby raw	15 medium	53
Pears raw	pear, medium (approx 2-1/2 per	97
Pepsi diet by Pepsi	355 ml	0
Nuts almonds	5 almond	35

Incase youre wondering, I use mynetdiary.com to calculate the calories, ect. I have tried a lot of different free calorie counters and this one seems to be the easiest, with caloriecounter.com and sparkspeople.com close behind. Do you guys use an online calorie counter that you like a lot? Leave a comment below :)

Stay strong and beautiful my lovelies, and I promise to do a huge thinspo post soontime :)

XOXOX Kay

Little By Little, I Gain the Control to Move Forward

I am so fucking tired today, but I'm also tired of lying around the house all the time. I think a power walk is in order. It kinda funny, because I used to love to jog, it was like a high for me, but then I started smoking and even though I quit almost a year ago, I never regained the lung capasity to run for more than sixty seconds. Just another reason why I suck at everything in the universe.

So, as you might have possible maybe noticed on the left side of the screen, I have tidied up my goals a little bit, added some rewards and learnt how to edit the HTML to strike through the goals I have already met. I descided that until I am at 120 pounds, my weight will be too pitiful and my weight loss will be so insignificant that I do not deserve goals. Ten down, ten to go-- wait, more goals means fifteen to go? But I'll have higher hopes by the time I get there. Ten down, and whatever it takes to reach perfection is what I have left to go.

Fuck, I love blogging. I really do. I feel like it keeps me literate over summer vacation, so I dont go back to school spelling my own name wrong. And I can express so much more than I ever could in an anablog ( = analog blog/ diary/ journal). So thank you, all four followers I have, for sustaining my existance right now.

Also, I thought maybe now is a good time to explain the wear background I have up. The red beads, nomnomnom, that remind me why I wrote this blog. So if you can relate, make yourself a little red beaded braclet. I cant binge when I have mine on. If you dont know what the hell I'm talking about, Google the meaning of a red beaded braclet. I feel strong. I made mine with three letters on it: NOW. Two meanings: first, 'now', as in do it right now. No other moment but now. The descisions I make NOW will change everything; the second meaning is an aconym: no other way. Because really, there is no other way to acheive perfection than to work for it, to fight for it.

That reminds me of a funny joke. We had a little talent show at the family picnic, and one of the funny uncles told this one: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. True, I think? Hahaha.

Well, todays intake is 175. I had half a cup of Honey Nut Cheerios (73), half a cup of plain probiotic yogurt (65) and a quater cup of canned pineapple (37). Not bad, but I am trying to stay under 1000 calories and dinner at my dads place will be bad, so I'm trying to save up about 600 calories for that. So Lunch will be 140 calories or vegetable broth (15), frozen peas and carrots (77), broccoli (31) and spinach (17). I might snack on a peach (38) as well, and maybe treat myself to five almonds (38), leaving me with 608 calories.

OH! And awesome news. I got an appt for the 25th to see my doctor so I can switch to a BC pill that doesnt make me puke my brains out (tmi?) and so I can get some Adderall or Ritalin for my ADHD. I used to be on the stuff before, and I love it because it completely obliterates my appetite, but I had to go off it when my parents found out about the Ana stuff. My mom says my doctor might not let me go back on it, or she might monitor my weight, but Wintergirls taught me how to deal with that problem. So things should be pretty good and easier soon.

If youre reading this, thank you for caring about my stupid life. If you feel like it, maybe drop me a comment below about your favorite reply when people ask if you've lost weight. Hopefully, thats advice I will need in the future :)

Stay strong my lovelies, and start the week well!

xoxox Kay

Reason #3492 to lose weight: Sex.

I had a lovely weekend up north, although my calorie count wasnt exactly worthy of praise. Friday was around 1400, and I'm guessing Friday was around 1500. Today I will do better. For breakfast, at around 1pm, I had a container of Activia yogurt (110), a tbsp of granola (28), a peach (38) and an apricot (17). Total: 193. Lunch was 15 baby carrots (53), cucumber (11) and a Diet Pepsi (0). I also had a bowl of Life cereal (104) and Biobest yogurt (89) topped with canned pineapple (37). Days total: 487 calories.


My weekend was pretty good. I sun tanned a little on Friday afternoon and hung out in my grandmothers hot tub. Mmmmmm hot tubbing. Saturday was the family picnic, which ment lots of snack food around all day. I made my mom get plenty of healthy stuff, so I at least over ate on healthy shit. But yeah, 1500 on Saturday.


Weighed myself on my grandmothers scale this morning. Its an analog scale, I was in my pajamas, and I didn't use the bathroom yet = innacurate reading. Especially the analog part, cause it was really hard to read standing up, so I was sort of weighing myself squatting. Lame. But the magic number on the scale was 125 lbs. I hope its true, because thats two pounds down from my last weigh-in and another goal met. Lets just pretend the number is real, so I am only ten pounds away from having to make more goals.


I have been thinspo-crazy the past few days. Hungrymunchie = look at thinspo until the cravings to eat turn into a compultion to exercise. So here are some pictures for you lovelies.

To be vulnerable, to let people see the pain you feel inside,

To walk up to the big bad wolf and tell him to open wide.

Everything that hurts will feel better when I'm beautiful.

127 Pounds

Weight is down 8lbs since school ended. Yay? Well, I still super hate the number I'm at right now, but I'm only twelve pounds away from the goal I set myself to get to my the end of summer vacation. I guess I'll see where I'm at with my next weight goal. I would love to be 110 instead of just aiming for 115. But if I get to 110, that would be so close. 99lbs is sparkles and sexy and magical and I cant even describe it.

Okay, I am getting way ahead of myself. 127 isn't great, but its an improvement.

Yesterday I ate about 1300 and burnt 500. Today I ate 1100 but I'm to lazy/tired to exercise tonight. Intake is crazy high, I know, but food has been kind of unavoidable lately. Tomorrow will be better. I want to try to keep my intake under a thousand calories, which is totally do-able if I kick myself in the ass hahah :)

Sorry, I dont really feel like writing all that much right now. I'm watching X-Weighted. Its an awesome show for reverse thinspo, and its super inspiring to see people lose like 60 pounds in 3 months.

But here is some thinspo for you ladies, and have a great weekend :)

A Little Bit More Optimism

Update

Hey pretties! Sorry about my posts being kinda blah lately, I've just been really stressed about all this scale business. It seems every time I up my food allowance a little, bit, I seem to go over it anyways. My body just doesn't want me to finish a day feeling successful :(

Today is the big day though! First weight in since June 1st, and its on a proper scale too! I have my final appointment (I think) with my dietitian today, and she always weights me and gets my height at the beginning of every appointment. I've been seeing a dietitian because I am vegetarian and most of my family doesn't trust that I'm healthy about it (enough iron, b12, ect.). So I will be weighed fully dressed anyway.

Food Monsters

In terms of food, yesterday I ate 1102 calories and exercised away 538 calories. The exercise I am pretty happy with, considering I was up sick all of the night before (stupid birth control pills) but I still managed to drag myself off the couch to walk 90 minutes at 4mph. So that part was ok. But my intake was SHIT.

Today I have breakfast alone, maybe some yogurt with fruit or Special K, then I have lunch with my dad on the way to the dietitian. At the mall where he works (he is a retail accountant) there is a grocery store with a little eating area up top, so if we grab lunch there then I can get a salad or fruit salad maybe. Otherwise he will probably want to eat at Tim Horton's, and everything there looks healthy, but is actually evil and high calorie. GRR. And then dinner with him. Since my step mom and baby half brother are up at the cottage, its just me and my dad for dinner. This means we will probably go out for dinner as well, but I may have some input on where we go.

Tonight I am at my dads, so no blogging or looking up calorie content on his computer. I'll come back to my moms place tomorrow morning, so I can catch up then. After that, I have Thursday night at my grandparents place, because I am helping my grandmother getting around after eye surgery (fingers crossed that it goes well) and Friday+Saturday I am with my mom at my other grandparents place because its the family picnic on Saturday. So I *might* be able to post tomorrow, otherwise I cant until Sunday.

Comments

Christina: Your blog, as well as your comments on my blog, mean so much to me! I really appreciate your support, and I hope everything goes well for you with the apt.

Yasmin: Thanks for your comment! I need to stop buying Jelly Beans hahaha because there is no such thing for me as having just one. But thank you for making me feel less guilty about it :)

Miss you all. Here's some inspiration :)
Stay strong xoxox



To have a stomach that flat and all the boys say 'hi'





The space between her thighs



Hip bones like razor blades,

the barbed wire protecting me.

Just Nothing

Its funny. At the beggining of the summer, just weeks ago, I thought I was actually capable of dieting without falling back into ana. Without letting her wrap her boney, elegant fingers around my throat, her sharp nails making me bleed. I thought wrong. So, so wrong.

Cold Tile Floor

So far today I input 210 and output 206. I have 340 left for dinner if I keep my input under 550. I got up at 8am and went for a walk right away. Should have been maybe 35minutes, and I wanted to jog some of it, but I was sick and dizzy and weak and tired so I walked it all in 50 minutes. I like to exercise before breakfast because then I burn fat right away, as opposed to wasting 20 minutes burning glucose in the blood from that days crazy carb intake before the fat burning begins. When I got back, I ate one cup frozen strawberries (52) and sipped flat Diet Pepsi (0). Lunch was two plain rice cakes (70) with 1/3 cup salsa (21) and a half of a cucumber (23). I am so super munchie right now, but I just ate some homemade soup (24) so I cant eat anymore until dinner because I really need to save up my calories. I ate five stupid, delicious, evil Jelly Bellys. One cherry, one lemon, an orange pop flavored one and two smoothie flavored ones. Hell = 20 calories. I am a very bad girl.

Yesterday, when I was cleaning my room at my dads place, I found a bunch of old fat/eating/monstersinside relate poetry. Maybe I'll post some later. Also, I am having issues commenting on peoples blogs. If anybody reading this knows how I can comment without it being anon and hiding my url please help!

Stay Strong xoxox

Bad, bad, bad

Lunch and dinner yesterday, and breakfast today, all with my father, HORRIBLE. So many calories. Over 1200. Yuck. So many calories today. Binge, binge, binge. I cant stop. Really, I'm still stuffing my face even though I know the bad numbers. I need to stop. Fast the rest of the day? I think so. Diet Pepsi lime, warm water with honey. But I'll probably fuck that up too.

I hate fucking up. But I cant stop. I need to do better.





UPDATE: So I kept binging after this post, today is somewhere around 1300's. BADBADBAD. So between yesterday and today, I am in debt 1126 calories. I need to stick with  700/ day. I need to show myself I can do this one this. So to make up for it, I will stick to 550 for the next week. Exercise is a necessity, but it doesn't count towards my daily total. I'm done failing. Time for crunches.

On the Verge of a Anxiety Attack Right Now

Aloha, Bloggers. I have been trying to avoid blogging 24/7 because I'm worried all the posting is going to drive people nuts, but I'm kind of really freaking out about this.

Its now almost 10AM in my world. I told my dad I would be getting up at 8, going for a walk, coming back, getting ready and heading over to his place by early lunchtime. But I forgot to set my alarm, got up a short while ago, and made a beeline for the kitchen. Seriously, not even a morning piss, just food. I ate:

-apple sauce cup (50)
-1c frozen strawberries (52)
-0.5c blueberries (41)

Total: 143. If I have a plain rice cake (35) with a tbsp of salsa (4) that only leaves me with 517 calories left for lunch and dinner, if I am going to stay under my 700 calories. Normally that would be easy for me, but since I am going to my dads place... AHHH! Please dont let today be my fuck-up day... please dont.... please no. I've worked so hard and I dont want to let it all go to waste. If we eat in, its going to be high in calories. If we eat out, I can at least probably order a salad  but then my step mom loves going out for ice cream. BLAH life sucks. And now I dont get to go for my morning walk because I didnt set my stupid alarm.

Anyways, I might be staying over there tonight AND tomorrow night, which means plenty of calories over the next few days... and monitored internet usage. So I've got to be cautious, and I probably wont be able to blog at all. I'll be lucky if I can enter my intake to mynetdiary.com to see the damage. I wish I didnt have to dread seeing my father simply for what he puts on my plate.

663

Hey lovely bloggers :)

Christina: Thanks for the comment! Just saw it, lol, still learning how to use the site. I really so like your blog, and thank you for being my first ever follower :D

So here is my closing intake. 663 - 220 = 443.

Breakfast			164
Dairy yogurt low-fat fage total 2% greek by Freshdirect	0.5 cup	114g	75
Honey	teaspoon	7g	21
Strawberries frozen unsweetened	0.5 cup, unthawed	75g	26
Blueberries raw	0.5 cup	73g	41
Lunch			101
Lettuce green leaf raw	5.5 leaf outer	132g	20
Cucumber with peel raw	0.5 cucumber (8-1/4")	151g	23
Couscous cooked	0.085 cup, dry, yield	45g	50
Pepsi diet lime by Pepsi	355 ml	12floz
Sauce ready-to-serve salsa	2 tablespoon	32g	9
Dinner			190
Pepsi diet lime by Pepsi	355 ml	12floz
Garden minestrone light campbell (contributed)	2 cup	2cup	140
Couscous cooked	0.085 cup, dry, yield	45g	50
Snacks			207
Sugar free fudgsicle (contributed)	2 pops	80g	80
Rice cake plain quaker (contributed)	2 rice cake	18g	70
Strawberry jam by Compliments	0.5 tbsp	0.5tbsp	25
Produce carrots-baby cut by Compliments	15 pieces	91g	32

I didn't end up going for a run, but with showering, grocery shopping and putting away the groceries, I actually burned a couple calories in my lazy day. I didn't end up going to my grandparents place, which is good, calorie wise, but I was looking forward to weighing myself on their bathroom scale today, so now I have to wait for my weigh-in at the dietitian on Wednesday. And that's fully clothed. Damn. I really need to buy a scale! I asked my mom a few times and she is mostly down, when we can get a couple bucks together for a decent one, but if I act to excited I'm worried she will be on to me.

I've been getting dizzy when I stand up to fast. I'll jump off the couch at commercial break to run to pee, and everything will get black and blotchy until I sit on the toilet and stick my head between my knees to return the blood to my brain. This sound kind of sick, but I LOVE the feeling. Because I know that means my calorie deficit of 1336 calories today is working some sort of magic. God, I love restricting. I got the power :)

Sorry I write so much my darlings, but this blogging is so incredibly motivating for me.
So I'll leave you with some celeb thinspo, Keira Knightly.

Flat, flat tummy and I <3 hip bones

ALSO" The positive! I did NOT eat the pizza my mom made-- not a lick or a crumb or a nibble! And today I was talking to my mom and she was like "you weigh what, 117, 118?" LOL mo, I wish. But it still made me feel kinda good. Even though I know she is lying. Because she is my mommy.