Puke, drink, talk

The last forty-eight hours have been a hell-like hazed. I suppose I shall begin at the top of yesterday and finish at the bottom of today, with this tangle of tears and the itching urge to grab a pair of scissors and press the inner edge of one blade into my left thigh...


Yesterday began with a simply healthy breakfast and a simply healthy lunch, and somehow spiraled into a calorie deprived maniac binging without dishes or cutlery. Then this fat maniac-- not naming any names here-- felt like shit. Cake batter, cake crumbs, a half a cup  of mini tortellinis and a PC cookie. So I clawed my way upstairs, gulped three tall glasses of water, and shoved my hands halfway down to my intestines, or so it felt. I wasn't ale to get most out by the time I got freaked out by the mess that had spilled onto the floor, but just the thought of my newly learned powers makes me giddy with delight.


A scrubbed toilet, a shower and a change of clothes later, I met up with K and we bright a pretty purple sugar cake with shark shaped sprinkles to C's boyfriends place, where C, K, P, their boyfriends and I all got very wonderfully drunk. This time I was drunk enough to not mind being the third wheel. Then K finally broke up with her ass, piece of shit, dick fuck boyfriend, YAY, and I went for a walk....

... With P. and I spent twenty minutes telling her I needed to say something because not talking hurts so bad but I don't know how to talk. It's like someone closes off my voice box whenever I try to let someone get to know me. But I did it. I told her about my brother touching me in ways a brother should not touch a sister, on multiple occasions... And I don't know why I thought talking would somehow free me of the anger and shame and guilt but I can't expect her to have all the answers, even if she has been raped before. Because there are no answers to these awful things. There just aren't. But she was there for me and that's all I could ever ask for and really I think her holding me hand and hold me is as much as I could take.

Woah. So yeah that was a lot for me right there. So that ight I ate a piece of cake for dinner and a whole hellofalotta booze. Fell asleep on some  floor, woke up after most people had left, and migrated to an empty couch at around three-thirty. When we all woke up, we cleaned the fuck out of C's bf's place as thanks for it being everyone's hangout for the past onto while his mom was In Thialand. I managed to not eat, thanks to a killer hang over, until shout five in the evening. P made dinner, which I declined, and some filled apples for dessert, which I caved and ate the tiniest serving of, utilizing the excuse of a slowing metabolism. I got home around eight and ate an unexpected half an order of vegetarian pad-Thai. Yummo. Plus juice. So with that, and the unavoidable fact that I am going downstairs after I post this and I will eat the Reston my dinner Ina dark and empty kitchen in my dark and sleeping house... I will be 1000ish for the day. Give or take. And I'm willing to take that.

Body fat percentage

So I did a little hit of research, and it turns out my body fat percentage is 23.86%. That means I am about thirty pounds of fat and 95 pounds of everything else. So my long lived dream of returning to the weight my disorder developed at --68 pounds in sixth grade-- will be entirely unattainable, without cutting off a limb or two. I think ideally I would like to have 12% body fat, which is in the slimmest category. That would put me at 105 ish. Snazzy.

Patty-cake, patty-cake

Hello, world, and good morning! I just wanted to give a quick-ish update before heading downstairs to bake This cake for K's belated birthday. We are going to picnic at this tiny hidden beach know as Secret Beach. It will be lovely and then we will go to C's boyfriends place for a little party. My intention tonight is to get very terribly drunk and go for a walk with P and tell her that awful horrible story I told my readers last summer. She has experience different but similar things and right now I feel like if I don't have someone to relate to about that in person, I may very well burst from holding all of this in. It's weird for me though. I'm not used to letting friends in anymore. After my old besty ditched me by dropping out of high school without giving me the courtesy of telling me after three years of friendship... Yeah, letting people in has been hard.


So yesterday I had a cup of Silhouette yogurt and a cup of frozen raspberries for breakfast (70). And a can of peas for lunch (190) with nutritional yeast (30). Snacked on some fruit at work (60?) and had a quarter cup cous cous and a cup of canned tomatoes for dinner (140+140). Came home, has a half cup of skim milk and a cup of Special K before bed (~150). So that should put me at just under 800 for the day :) I feel like I'm finally getting back into the swing of things! It's weird how fast the habits can come back after being dormant for what felt like a long time. Counting the chews per bite, sips every three bites, counting calories, measuring portions, the whole lot. My first few days back here I think I mostly looked at beach body sort of thinspo. Just a little underweight. Now I'm back to the love of bones. Hip bones, collar bones, the gap between the thighs. It's all so beautiful again.

Mild non-failure?

I am... Happy with yesterday, post-waffle :) lunch was a half cup primavera sauce, a cup of frozen baby carrots, half tablespoon nutritional yeast and 10 tiny tortellinis, to give me energy for work. At work I snacked on a tub of fruit - about 3 cups in watermelon, cantalope and mango. Dinner was a salad made of 1/8 of a cup of cous cous, a small kiddy box of raisins, a hard boiled egg, a cup of mixed greens, a yellow pepper, two tomatoes and 15 pearl bocconcinis. No dressing. And a Pepsi Zero that tasted like heaven. And, after work, about two cups of watermelon and grapes, and a few bites of cantalope.... Not so bad, considering the proceeding days fuck-ups. .... So today will start with a half cup of yogurt, some frozen blueberries and some grapes. Then some sort of lunch. And again, snacking on a tub of fruit at work, and something filling but small calorie for dinner. Tomorrow is going to be very boozey, and hopefully very high, so I gotta pray for some self control. Diet Pepsi with rum and weed with no munchies, I hope? .... Not going to weigh until Tuesday after I clean myself with laxies. That will tell me how much to hate myself during my hardcore yoga class that night. .... In other news, I have booked my little trip to visit the city where I'm going to school next year. I'm going from August 6 to 9, taking the train in and staying at the Rez building were I'll be living, because the university rents the rooms as a hotel during the summer. One month until university. Less than a month until move-in day, actually. August 25th-- I'm so nervous! I want to show up there as a thin, beautiful girl, not some heap of blubbler coated in excess grossness. Just sayin'. ... Alrighty well it's time for some breaky now so I'll be off, and I wish any readers a day of strength and success, because really that's all there is to hope for. Xoxox Kay

There is cellulite bubbling beneath my tights...

Yesterday was a disaster too. Not as bad, but still bad. I still owe myself one nice deep cut. I'll save it I think for today or tomorrow after work. It's like a little prize I want to redeem when I'm in an especially self- loathing mood. Which has actually been more often then usual, as of late. I haven't seen any friends in a week since my three dearest have been recently coupled with three guys who are good friends. No room for the seventh wheel. No room for a fat pile of shit like myself. I must find the nearest sketchy 24 hour drugstore near by where i can by diet pills and laxies after work tonight. That should solve most of my problems. . . . In other news,today was my goal day for the still blubbery weight of 120lbs. And I am such a failure. Which, really, is all I should have expected. I will hope on now for a progress weight but it won't be pretty... . . . I am 124 pounds of misery and self loathing. . It's only 10 in the morning and I'm already near 300 calories. I had a pancake, a few chunks of watermelon and some juice. For work, I will pack a big tub of watermelon and canalope, a salad with veggies, a hard boiled egg and some cous cous, water, a tiny bite of something sweet to keep me away for the vending machines, and a piece of something carb ish to keep me a way from McDonalds. Before work I will probably have frozen veggies in primavera sauce with nutritional yest and a few pieces of mini chees tortellini. So 1220ish for the day. . . . I need to suck less. I don't lnow why it's been such a struggle to think before I eat lately. Maybe the lack of easilY accessible thinspo? I should put some on my phone to carry around with me. I want to be 120 by next Saturday so I can get my nose peirced. Four pounds in 7 days means a deficit of 2000 calories a day. Today my deficit is probably 800-1000 with my BMR plus being active at work. So next week, yoga every day, walk everywhere, and stick to 500 calories a day? And diet pills and laxies and tell my finger to do what I want it to down my throat. I wonder how long until I fuck up...

Shitfuck

Tonight, when I get home from yoga, don't eat, and wait until everyone goes to sleep, I am going to let myself put a nice deep red line in my skin. I'm still deciding where. Maybe my inner thighs or my hips. Somewhere to remind me that I need so much work and I am so far from achieving my goals. I was horrible today. Yesterday I ate like a good girl. Mostly fruits and salads and some small nibbles of cheese and crackers but today I fucked up so horribly. I don't think I can even recount for you everything I ate. Someone please tell me how to empty myself. I am still out of laxies and I want to puke soo bad but nothing comes up. I just gag on air and my eyes burn and I hate myself so much. I just want to get drunk and cut off all the fat. Slice it off my flabby arms, thunder thighs, rounded belly. Fillet myself like a fish until there's nothing left but perfect bloody bones. I want to make it all go away.... Can anyone hear me cry?

Discouraged

Since my last post, I have been an awfully naughty girl. I finished that day with a plain bagel, a half tablespoon of light cream cheese and a wee bit of smoked salmon. And juice and tea. The next morning (yesterday) I had another bagel, this time with a half tablespoon of light cream cheese, a half tablespoon of roasted red pepper hummus and a third of a cup of mixed greens. Then I snacked on a small mango smoothie from Timothy's. Lunch was a raspberry smoothie (small), half of a panino with pesto, spinach, tomato and mozzarella, a carrot cake squared (iced) and about a third of a cup of chickpea salad. I snacked on a bite of a chocolate that tasted awful so I didn't finish it, then I left work and went to yoga, where I burnt about 350 calories. For dinner I had the other half panino, half a cup of strawberries, a cup of green grapes, half a cup of heirloom tomatoes, half a cucumber and two tablespoons of bruchetta (30). This morning I woke up, emptied myself the old fashioned way, and hopped on the scale at 124. Could be worse but I really want to get my nose peirced on Saturday and to do that I wanted to be 120. Four pounds in three days? Not my forte. So for breakfast I'm noshing on a cupof mixed greens, a third of a cup of heirloom tomatoes, half a cup of green grapes, two table spoons of bruchetta, less than a quarter cup of strawberries and a tablespoon of roasted red pepper hummus. After I eat and post this I think I will go for a walk since I couldn't find an appealing yoga class. Tonight I will volenteer at a private screening of some film, so I need to find a classy little ensemble for that. Tomorrow I am volenteering at a hospital, helping my moms friend who works with veterans. If I get any good karma from this, or from the five huge bags of donations I dragged around the block to the charity deposit bin, I would like to redeem by good karma on making those four pounds disappear. As of late, I have been thinking a lot about cutting again. I can't recall if I mentioned this on my blog before, but I was quitting prett religiously a few years back but I made myself stop because the scars on my wrists where hard to hide in dance class without looking suspicious. Of course to cutting triggered more of a relapse into my disordered eating habits. Anyways. I miss the sensation and the release and the control that cutting gives me, but I know I shouldn't start again because, like I am with cigarettes, I believe the slightest taste of an addiction I so dearly miss will ruin the years of strength in quitting and I will once again be ruled by the compulsion to do the addictive behavior. So I think my solution just might be to smoke more weed when I am experiencing an awful strain on my will power. Drinking just seems to make me want these things more. And drinking has calories, while weed does not, so long as I avoid all munchies. I wish I could look in the mirror without fighting back tears. I wish I could be strong and thin and beautiful and happy. I wish I didn't feel so alone.

Safe Foods

Today I took my baby brother for a two hour stool, burning about 300 calories at my level of fatness. Breakfast was two chocolate chip waffles, lunch was a bowl of corn, baby carrots and tomato sauce, and I snacked on rice cakes and mustard. So input minus output: so far, 225ish. Probably 300 more for dinner, and another 100 calorie snack of rice cakes (hopefully with salsa this time). Or maybe a tofu thing, which is 90. I want to finish today with an input of 1000 calories. And I need to buy more laxies. It's been a year since I used those for their magic properties and chances are I will fuck up badly soon and need them. Laxies are like the friend that will pick you up anywhere when you're drunk and in trouble. In other news, I have been thinking as of late about the foods that trigger what society considers to be disordered eating. For me, it's diet Pepsi lime, Campbells light garden minestrone, Quaker plain rice cakes, salsa, celery sticks, cheap green tea and those tiny chocolate chips as rewards or saviors from drowning blood sugar levels. Also, five calorie Jello, frozen grapes and cups of ice. If anyone is reading this, what are your trigger foods, or your 'safe' foods?

life

is the short gasp of air before the eternal asphyxiation. its the moment of darkness in that refreshes looking eyes. its the silence between heartbeats.

Rachel McAdams and the return of my baby brother

so today... started off the day with the last quarter of the veggie burrito,a quarter cup of barbequed mixed potatoes, a quarter of a cucumber, and litre of tea. lunch... 2 tablespoons of roasted red pepper hummus, 10 small heads of broccoli and another quarter of a cucumber. and i`m workin on nother litre of tea before i leave for work. the other day i had c and p over for a little drunk movie night, since my parents were in germany for two weeks, returning today. anywwho, we were browsing netflix and i commented on rachel mcadams being so beautiful and exactly what a woman should look like. they disagreed, saying shes way too skinny and without curves. i dont know. i really dont agree, i would love to look like her. Edit: snacked on half a cup of yogurt, two different snack bars and some tea through the day. Dinner was a quarter cup cous cous, sliced tomato and a half cup of frozen peas. Probably finished around 900-1000, which I'm mostly happy with. Drank 2.5L of plain tea today, and tomorrow I'll aim for three or four. The family returned today but was asleep by the times finished work. The six hour time difference for them is going to make the next few days hard for everyone. Can wait to see my baby brother in the morning <3

So I can run to catch the bus without worrying about what might jiggle...

http://reasons-to-lose-weight.tumblr.com/

Is it weird that I am afraid bring my virginity to university?

Short term goal: 115 by September fourth, my first day of university classes. Longer term goal: underweightness, which is apparently 115 at my height, so I will shoot for 105. By November second, my high school graduation ceremony. I don't know why they do it in November, instead of June, like normal schools. Today I was terribly hung over, which ment I ate delightfully little for the first half of the day. If this is how it works with hangovers, I may not be doomed for the freshman fifteen this year. I had half a 12" veggie burrito around 1:30 this afternoon because I got my second ear holes pierced and I was a little bit beyond spectacularly dizzy. At 6, I had a small veggie spring roll and a side order sized carton of veggie fried noodles. The grease is still rotting my insides. I need to start learning lessons. On the way home from work, I had another quarter of my burrito. Beverages: 2L water. So, if I'm being generous, I might have been around the 1000cal mark. Okay, so I have forty-four days to lose about ten pounds. So I need to have a deficit of 800 calories a day. Playing nice, I'll pretend today was exactly 1000calories, and I spent the afternoon on my feet at work. My bmr is probably around 1400 calories, and with yoga classes and a busy life, my dcr is probably about 2000. So I can get away with... 1200 calories a day, if my body isn't going tone stupid and bitchy and never letting go of a single fucking ounce of fat, as per usual...

Back to the matchbox

Oh, I've missed you so much, blogger girls. I wish I could say that in my nearly year-long hiatus from Playing With Fire I have changed in some significant way, physically, but that would be untrue. I come back to this world of girls whispering secrets to the hollows between bones and ropes of muscles because I need your love once again, and I need to offer you mine as well. I'm so sorry I left this cloud in the first place? I return at 125 pounds, and somewhere between 5'4" and 5'5". I got lost this year, in the stress of my last year of high school. In under a month, I will move to a new city and start university as a creative writing major-- hopefully a program that will prepare me to be a published writer one day. I move into my dorm just pounds away from my highest weight, with unnessecary DD's and hips wide enough to comfortably carry the contents of Noah's Arc. My goal: cut off every ounce of fat that jiggles. If that means 115 or 95, that would be my ultimate goal. A lot has changed in my life since I stopped blogging. For one thing, I got a job at a really shitty department store, to which I gave four weeks notice about a week ago. I lost a best friend, who thought it would be a great idea to drop out of high school and never tell me directly, despite our over three years of friendship. I lost another friend, who I unfortunately wasn't as close with, to suicide. I gained three new close friends, whom I am still struggling to share my more private self with: K, P and C. My mother still leaves an empty space where maternal affection should be. My father and I don't fight quite so much, but I still wish we had the closeness we did before his remarriage. My baby step brother is nearing 16 months old now, taking his first steps and brightening my world with every smile. I miss you girls-- if any of you can forgive me for my absence at your blogs, and hear my pleas to rejoin the world of the living-unliving. The silent voice never left. I only ignored her demands and now she is so angry, screaming and stomping that she will not go unheard.