There is cellulite bubbling beneath my tights...

Yesterday was a disaster too. Not as bad, but still bad. I still owe myself one nice deep cut. I'll save it I think for today or tomorrow after work. It's like a little prize I want to redeem when I'm in an especially self- loathing mood. Which has actually been more often then usual, as of late. I haven't seen any friends in a week since my three dearest have been recently coupled with three guys who are good friends. No room for the seventh wheel. No room for a fat pile of shit like myself. I must find the nearest sketchy 24 hour drugstore near by where i can by diet pills and laxies after work tonight. That should solve most of my problems. . . . In other news,today was my goal day for the still blubbery weight of 120lbs. And I am such a failure. Which, really, is all I should have expected. I will hope on now for a progress weight but it won't be pretty... . . . I am 124 pounds of misery and self loathing. . It's only 10 in the morning and I'm already near 300 calories. I had a pancake, a few chunks of watermelon and some juice. For work, I will pack a big tub of watermelon and canalope, a salad with veggies, a hard boiled egg and some cous cous, water, a tiny bite of something sweet to keep me away for the vending machines, and a piece of something carb ish to keep me a way from McDonalds. Before work I will probably have frozen veggies in primavera sauce with nutritional yest and a few pieces of mini chees tortellini. So 1220ish for the day. . . . I need to suck less. I don't lnow why it's been such a struggle to think before I eat lately. Maybe the lack of easilY accessible thinspo? I should put some on my phone to carry around with me. I want to be 120 by next Saturday so I can get my nose peirced. Four pounds in 7 days means a deficit of 2000 calories a day. Today my deficit is probably 800-1000 with my BMR plus being active at work. So next week, yoga every day, walk everywhere, and stick to 500 calories a day? And diet pills and laxies and tell my finger to do what I want it to down my throat. I wonder how long until I fuck up...