Discouraged

Since my last post, I have been an awfully naughty girl. I finished that day with a plain bagel, a half tablespoon of light cream cheese and a wee bit of smoked salmon. And juice and tea. The next morning (yesterday) I had another bagel, this time with a half tablespoon of light cream cheese, a half tablespoon of roasted red pepper hummus and a third of a cup of mixed greens. Then I snacked on a small mango smoothie from Timothy's. Lunch was a raspberry smoothie (small), half of a panino with pesto, spinach, tomato and mozzarella, a carrot cake squared (iced) and about a third of a cup of chickpea salad. I snacked on a bite of a chocolate that tasted awful so I didn't finish it, then I left work and went to yoga, where I burnt about 350 calories. For dinner I had the other half panino, half a cup of strawberries, a cup of green grapes, half a cup of heirloom tomatoes, half a cucumber and two tablespoons of bruchetta (30). This morning I woke up, emptied myself the old fashioned way, and hopped on the scale at 124. Could be worse but I really want to get my nose peirced on Saturday and to do that I wanted to be 120. Four pounds in three days? Not my forte. So for breakfast I'm noshing on a cupof mixed greens, a third of a cup of heirloom tomatoes, half a cup of green grapes, two table spoons of bruchetta, less than a quarter cup of strawberries and a tablespoon of roasted red pepper hummus. After I eat and post this I think I will go for a walk since I couldn't find an appealing yoga class. Tonight I will volenteer at a private screening of some film, so I need to find a classy little ensemble for that. Tomorrow I am volenteering at a hospital, helping my moms friend who works with veterans. If I get any good karma from this, or from the five huge bags of donations I dragged around the block to the charity deposit bin, I would like to redeem by good karma on making those four pounds disappear. As of late, I have been thinking a lot about cutting again. I can't recall if I mentioned this on my blog before, but I was quitting prett religiously a few years back but I made myself stop because the scars on my wrists where hard to hide in dance class without looking suspicious. Of course to cutting triggered more of a relapse into my disordered eating habits. Anyways. I miss the sensation and the release and the control that cutting gives me, but I know I shouldn't start again because, like I am with cigarettes, I believe the slightest taste of an addiction I so dearly miss will ruin the years of strength in quitting and I will once again be ruled by the compulsion to do the addictive behavior. So I think my solution just might be to smoke more weed when I am experiencing an awful strain on my will power. Drinking just seems to make me want these things more. And drinking has calories, while weed does not, so long as I avoid all munchies. I wish I could look in the mirror without fighting back tears. I wish I could be strong and thin and beautiful and happy. I wish I didn't feel so alone.