The last forty-eight hours have been a hell-like hazed. I suppose I shall begin at the top of yesterday and finish at the bottom of today, with this tangle of tears and the itching urge to grab a pair of scissors and press the inner edge of one blade into my left thigh...
Yesterday began with a simply healthy breakfast and a simply healthy lunch, and somehow spiraled into a calorie deprived maniac binging without dishes or cutlery. Then this fat maniac-- not naming any names here-- felt like shit. Cake batter, cake crumbs, a half a cup of mini tortellinis and a PC cookie. So I clawed my way upstairs, gulped three tall glasses of water, and shoved my hands halfway down to my intestines, or so it felt. I wasn't ale to get most out by the time I got freaked out by the mess that had spilled onto the floor, but just the thought of my newly learned powers makes me giddy with delight.
A scrubbed toilet, a shower and a change of clothes later, I met up with K and we bright a pretty purple sugar cake with shark shaped sprinkles to C's boyfriends place, where C, K, P, their boyfriends and I all got very wonderfully drunk. This time I was drunk enough to not mind being the third wheel. Then K finally broke up with her ass, piece of shit, dick fuck boyfriend, YAY, and I went for a walk....
... With P. and I spent twenty minutes telling her I needed to say something because not talking hurts so bad but I don't know how to talk. It's like someone closes off my voice box whenever I try to let someone get to know me. But I did it. I told her about my brother touching me in ways a brother should not touch a sister, on multiple occasions... And I don't know why I thought talking would somehow free me of the anger and shame and guilt but I can't expect her to have all the answers, even if she has been raped before. Because there are no answers to these awful things. There just aren't. But she was there for me and that's all I could ever ask for and really I think her holding me hand and hold me is as much as I could take.
Woah. So yeah that was a lot for me right there. So that ight I ate a piece of cake for dinner and a whole hellofalotta booze. Fell asleep on some floor, woke up after most people had left, and migrated to an empty couch at around three-thirty. When we all woke up, we cleaned the fuck out of C's bf's place as thanks for it being everyone's hangout for the past onto while his mom was In Thialand. I managed to not eat, thanks to a killer hang over, until shout five in the evening. P made dinner, which I declined, and some filled apples for dessert, which I caved and ate the tiniest serving of, utilizing the excuse of a slowing metabolism. I got home around eight and ate an unexpected half an order of vegetarian pad-Thai. Yummo. Plus juice. So with that, and the unavoidable fact that I am going downstairs after I post this and I will eat the Reston my dinner Ina dark and empty kitchen in my dark and sleeping house... I will be 1000ish for the day. Give or take. And I'm willing to take that.
I knowi promised a weighing today but I haven't pooped in a while and my tummy is full so no... Just deal with that. Xoxox
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