Bye-bye Blogger

Hey readers :) I am back from Washington, safe and sound. I enjoyed the trip, came back at 123.5 pounds. Not so bad. Lately I have not felt like blogging. Maybe this will improve. But bye-bye to blogging for the next few weeks. Sorry yall.


Stay Strong
xoxox Kay

Off to Washington! Ta-ta for a Week..

Hey yall :) Just letting ya know I am so terribly sorry for not having posted mucho, and I promise when I return I will give a day by day retell of my va-kay meals, sights and such. And the ten+ hour car ride with my four month old screaming baby brother. What fun! Haha but I truely am excited :) And if my readers miss me, please follow the lovely Christina of

Feels So Much Like Falling

 as she is a wonderful writer, a beautiful girl and as we all are, in much need of love and support. So give her a follow, because she is probably the only one I will have time to read while I am away. If anyone desperatly wants my readings over the next week, lemme know below. Otherwise, I may post Wednesday morning with my  before weight, or I may now. Lets hope for some major losses! Or... not gains!

Have a great week beauties, I need some shut-eye now.

Stay Stong
xoxox Kay

Still Alive!

Hey beautiful girls :) A week between posts, naughty Kay! I really need to get back to posting every day or at least every other day, but its been hard with all the time I'm spending at my dads place and I just havnt been in the mood to write when I'm at my moms place. I'm too day-dreamy lately, and I really need to get some pills lol.

After a big, fun, food-focused street festival on the weekend, I went up from 122ish to 125ish. Ugh. But then again, when I hoped on the scale, I still hadnt shitted (shat?) out most of the stuff I... stuffed myself with over the weekend. Seriously, I let go and let myself feel full. Which is awful. I hate feeling full. Its like feeling so incredibly fat and bloated and nauseus and like youre going to shit your pants simultaniously. I forgot what that felt like.

On Friday I went with some friends to the beach and we actually had a blast. We were about fifteen people, then we mett two drunk chicks plus one of their boyfriends and we were strangers but I invited them to chill with us after helping up on of the drunk chicks who really couldnt stand. It was so much fun :) Then we met some basass asian guys and played water vollyball with them, even though I am terrified of anything sports-related or sports equippment-relate, and I cant swim. But it was fun. And yes, I spent a couple hours in public in a bikini. I just tried not to dwell on that fact and to have fun for a change. And I did :)

On  a less cheerful note, I didnt get the job at Staples. Three interviews, submitted reqested references and they didnt like me. Sucks. I think it was the third interview that did it. I was too danm nervous. Or one of my references? I thought they were all solid. Ugh, anyways I am super upset I didnt get the job, and more so upset because my family kept telling me I would. And now I feel like  a failure and a disappointment and a fat whore. And how the fuck am I going to pay for university now?! I am completely and utterly screwed.

And of course, because I am so incredibly fucked up, I see this as a bad thing: because I didnt get the job, I am able to go away to Washington with my dad and step mom and baby brother for a week. I should be happy! But I am terrified of all the foodfoodfood there will be, and since we are staying with my step moms friends family, they might be cooking 'special' dishes for me, since I am vegetarian, which means I will likely be forced to eat incredibly high fat and high calorie foods and smile and say its lovely. AND NO SCALE?! Fuck my fucking life. Shoot me? Please?

Well,  my mother is going to give me $100 to get some clothes (nothing fits right anymore) before I go away. Maybe. I dont really ever know with her, because she is an alcoholic (in denial and completely untreated) and I am pretty sure she is bipolar. And she hates me right now. So if she likes me again by this weekend, I will get some clothes that fit to wear to Washington. Otherwise I will be living in the same Walmart shorts and a couple t-shirts for a week or something. If I dont get too fat for that too.

Today, my friend is having a pool party. So I need to get my bikini from my dads place and I might meet up with my bestie (hardly seen her all summer) and get my eyebrows waxed first. They really need it... But I think my weight goal might need to change. See, I really dont think I will be able to lose ten pounds in under four weeks. So then I cant go back to school and have people say "You look great! Have you lost weight?" and I wont be able to reply "Yeah. I lost twenty pounds, thanks for noticing! You look great too! Is that a new haircut/haircolor/shirt?" And be all lovely. I wont get to do that because I am naughty and a badbadbad girl.

And I really dont think twenty will be enough. See, my goal was to be the same weight as my bestie, even though I am two inches taller, maybe three. I want to be as tiny as her. But she looks tinier now, seeing her again after a few weeks. So I might need 110 or 105 to be as small as her. Which is awesome, because I am ultimatly shooting for double digits, maybe an ideal 90lbs by iniversity, 98lbs by prom at the end of this school year. But this will take time. To be 110 or 105, sticking to 1K calories a day will take until November or December. Groan.

@Christina, thanks sweetheart! Youre contant faith and encouragement means a lot to me :)

@weightless Welcome! Please keep reading and I'll read you when I can as well!

Welcome to all my new followers that seem to have popped up while I was busy... not posting for a weeK? Hahaha I love you guys <3

And please comment you guys! I love to hear what you have to say! If I am not following, say hello in the comment section below (rhymes!) otherwise, answer the question of the post!

Question: What makes you feel strong?

You Are What You Eat

Hey bloggers.

I've been okay lately. I had a couple days of good-girl eating. Then I had a couple days of naughty-girl eating. So today I am trying to get back on track, and I figured blogging would be helpful with that.

I always seem to eat lousy when I stay at my dads place, for a number of reasons. The biggest reason is probably my step moms love of sweets, chocolate and anything high calorie. Its like air to her, I have yet to see her go an entire day without chocolate of some sort. So I am surrounded my junk. Plus, I dont go with for the grocery shopping for thier house, so I dont get to pick much good stuff for them to keep there for me to eat. Just pro-biotic yogurt, thats the only thing they know I like. And I probably also eat shit food there cause I know I cant find out the calories until I get back home to my dads place, so I am just left guessing and even then I usually let myself have to many treats. I swear, my dads place is a fucking bingers heaven.

Ermmmmm my weight. So Monday it was 121 lbs which made me so happy that I let myself eat cupcakes. Yes, plural. I am a very naughty girl. Last night, after a full day of eating almost like a normal person, and not taking a shit in forever (tmi, sorry), I was 125. BLEGH. No, no there is no way cupcakes, only a few, made me gain that much. At most I must be 122 right now. But its hard to say. I need to go lax myself out, starve until I'm clean and empty, and then I can get a true reading. But at least this time its me, not the scale.

I need to get skinny. There is less than five weeks until I being grade twelve, and I NEED to be 115lbs by then. Six or eight pounds is sooooooo possible. Thats less than two pounds a week. I can do that! I need to, because I need a 'woah' when I get back to school. I need to find a boyfriend so I can fall in love and have sex with a boy I love for the very first time on prom night, and then live happily ever after. But in order to trick a boy into liking me, I will need to do more than lose twenty pounds over summer vacation, I need to get more of a tan (what I have now is okayyyy, but...), I need to whiten my teeth until they sparkle, clear the last of this persistant acne off my danm face and I need to learn to sit up straight all the time so I will have lovely abs and lovely posture.

And about the Staples interview, still no word back about the follow up. I called today, because the manager ( there are tree total) who interviewed me is on vacation this week, and the clueless guy I talked to said I will probably hear back when she returns. Ugh. Another week! I need to find out if I have the job asap so I know if I am going with my dad and step mom and baby brother to Washington for a week. People (real life people, that is) keep asking which Washington I am going to. I dont know, but I am pretty sure its the one with Obama and the White House. I dont know. But if I get the job at Staples, I cant go to Washington. Bummerrrrrr.

To those who commented on my last post, A Story I Never Want to Tell, thank you for your kind words. There are too many people out there who have been through that and its scary to know there are so many bad people out there too, who do those kinds of things. But, even though I doubt I will ever be able to tell my parents, I feel as though I can live with this. What happened to me when I was younger was not right and it doesnt at all define me as a person. It is a part of who I am. I appritate your support, that certainly wasnt an easy thing to write and I probably wouldnt have been able to if I didnt think my readers cared to listen. So thank you all so much for your endless love and support for my musings and life.

A Story I Never Want to Tell

I would like to tell you a story. This is not a fairytale with girls with long golden hair or dragons that breath fire or princes on galloping horses. This is a story about a little girl named Kay. Kay was a happy little girl, with parents who loved her and an older brother and maybe even a goldfish. Kay had blond ringlets, big blue eyes and pearly white teeth. When Kay was four or five something happened. Something that shouldn't ever happen to little girls with parents that loved them and goldfish that haven't yet been flushed down the toilet. Kay was molested by her older brother. Her older brother who was supposed to protect Kay and keep her safe and love her the way Kay, now sixteen years old, loves her baby half-brother. But little four or five year old Kay didn't know what to do. Her parents always taught her never to let a stranger ever touch her private parts, but this was even stranger. Kay became angry and scared and confused because her parents had stopped loving each other and her goldfish had long ago died and now she was a girl of about six and her mind no longer fit into the universe. So her parents sent her to anger management, cognitive behavioural therapy, to fix the problem, the unexplained anger, so Kay would stop being a difficult child and a burden on their broken marriage. Kay's blond ringlets turned dirty and frizzy, her blue eyes greyed and her pearly white teeth fell out. And nobody knew why. Suddenly eating crackers shaped like goldfish made her angry and scared and confused, but she learnt to feel those emotions on the inside and never, ever tell because that's what anger management, cognitive behavioural therapy had taught her. Now Kay was perhaps ten. Her parents sat her down and told her that her big brother, the one that was supposed to protect her and keep her safe and love her, had molested their cousin, a little boy of about four or five at the time. Kay felt a sick twinge inside her as she shook her head the questions asked. If anything had happened to her, she had blocked it all out by then, locked it away in the very back of her mind and thrown the key into the ocean with all the fish that had been flushed down the toilet with broken marriages. But one day, when Kay was approximately thirteen or fourteen, she read a book, a novel where the main character had been raped. And she read another because something felt oddly true and familiar to Kay in these books. Like a flood of light after a drought of darkness, she was left gasping for air at what she knew all along had happened to her as a little blond ringleted, blue eyed, pearly white toothed girl of four or five. But she had forgotten how to speak. Somewhere between four or five and thirteen or fourteen, this little girl had forgotten how to open her mouth and form it in the shape of real words with meaning. She had been a girl on autopilot for so many years, keeping anything with feeling inside and now it was too late to tell. At sixteen, now a big sister to her baby half-brother, Kay is a pretend girl with pretend feelings, but she is still angry and scared and confused on the inside of her mannequin exterior. Her skin is made of ceramic-coated metals and nothing can be let out unless her skin is broken and even then, her blood is too thick from the tears shed over dead goldfish so blackened blood trickles out in droplets the size of pin-pricks. She is the princess of her own fairytale gone wrong. i posted this here a very long time ago and i think if i ever find the courge to speak, i might read this at an open mic. to see who hears.

I Hope I Get It!

Forgot some details when I posted last! This is what happens when I am a naughty girl who forgets to blog her life away xP

So the doctors appointment went well. She is switching me from the pill to the patch as soon as I use up the pills my fathers insurance has already paid for. And I am getting Concerta, which I Googled, and it causes suppressed appetite and increased metabolism and all that fun stuff, but I cant start it until I start school again. No weight lecture or warning or anything from my doctor, which leaves me hopeful that her memory has been erased about the whole thing before.

And yesterdays job interview was lovely. The interviewer made me feel so comfortable and I felt great in my pencil skirt and stillettoes (chashier job, haha). I have been asked to return for the second out of three rounds of interviews, and I will be contacted very soon about when that will be. Yay!

Christina: Thank you for your darling comment as usual, you brighten my day :) It is a good idea to get a scale, but be sure to get a decent and reliable one because an unreliable scale is worse than no scale at all!

And A Choruc Line was positively terrific. The music, the dancing, the plot! I loved every minute of the show and if it hadnt have been closing night, I would have begged my grandparents to drive me the hour and a bit there so I could see each and every matinee and evening performance until the show was closed. It was wonderful :)

Question of the post: Favorite musical?

Audrey Hepburn Pictures, Office Supplies, Drunken Rave Goings

Hello my lovelies :)

Sorry for my lack of posting, I promise to start posting more frequently as of RIGHT NOW but all of this week I was sleeping at other peoples houses so I couldnt really blog. Anyways, thank you to my lovely followers, you are the girls who sustain me! You complete me, and after my mega depressed post the other day, I am fairly certain you girls are what keep me alive. When the scale is mean, when the weather is lousy, when my growling stomach wont shut the fuck up, you girls are what keep me going.

So I actually have some good news today! I found the scale at my dads place, and I am currently trying to sceme a way to bring it to my moms place where I can weigh more frequently and secretivly. This is one of those scales with the numbers on a spinning metal disk (analog type thing) so its hard to read accuratly but it will always know the true numbers. And you dont step on one minute at 123 and again the next minute and get 130. Thats good. And, drum roll please, the magic number on the scale is............................... 124 pounds! YAY! I have accomplished something. And you know what, I am going to let myself be danm happy about this! So when I weigh in again, Monday morning or Tuesday morning, I WILL be 123. This is totally possible. And when I do my final summer vacation weigh in, the morning of September sixth, the morning of my first day of grade twelve, it will be the morning that the scale will tell me I am 115 pounds and the mirror will tell me I am beautiful.

So, some bad news. But mostly worth it. I was at this awesome outdoor rave on... Tuesday? and I got shitfaced and had plenty of fun. My friends were all on MDMA and I was the 'sober' person of the night, not on drugs but drunk out of my mind on rum and scotch and wisky and I dont know what else. So there was this lolipop. I know for a fact it had 100 calories or less in it, and I had about 10 calories worth. But I was drunk and giggly and flirty.... and almost self confidant because of the boozey. So I was sharing the loli with a bunch of my friends and some strangers... and some more strangers. So then yesterday I got this bug thing and I think I probably got it from sharing booze and loli with ravers I dont know... and I dont know what drug residue got on my lolipop but I got pretty fucked up that night and had a good time. And the bug from yesterday is mostly gone, which is good because I felt really god-aweful shitty yesterday.

And last night I got a phone call from Staples, the office supply store, asking my to come in for an interview today for a part time position as a chashier and copy center person. Yippie! I need a job to badly if I am going to go to university!!! I have about 4000 bucks, and another 3000-4000 I need to save, for first year tuition alone. FML.

Tonight my grandparents are taking me to see A Chorus Line, so I am quite excited. I have a little Audrey Hepburn inspired outfit to wear, with a little Audrey style black dress, a summery black and white bag and black heals. Might wear pearls too! I like to dress up like a lady sometimes... So I descided the theme of todays thinspo will be Audrey! The most elegant, classy person the world has seen :)

Stay strong and beautiful my lovelies, I adore you all!

xoxoxox Kay

Short Post While I Wait For My Laundry To Finish...

I feel so gross right now. I want to puke. But I've never successfully purged before. Because I fail at everything. Is there a first for anything? Ugh. Why am I such a fat ass? Oh, wait! I know why! Because I continue to stuff my face even though I know the outcome. Today I ate Yogurt and cereal for breakfast (300?), FOUR Ikea vegetable medalions (520) plus veggies and butter (80-100?) and chips (100) and chocolate chips (50) and yourt with blueberries (150?) and a couple spoonfuls of jello (>5) and juice (200). And its only 4pm. I AM SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE. Ugh.

I need to start not sucking at life otheriwse I will lose all my followers unless you guys read me as reverse thinspo? I hate my life, I hate my body, I hate the fact that I have the control but I dont have the will power to change any of this. If I ever meet any of you in person, please promise to put a bullet through my scull. No, I dont even deserve the freedom of dying.

My Readers Are Beautiful!

Sorry I havn't posted in a few days! I wish I could say that I've been super busy, but truthfully I havn't.  I've just been lazy and not terribly motivated to blog about what a massive failure I am. Seriously, if I dont stop fucking up now, I will NEVER get to 115 by the time school starts. Six weeks, one day. Approx. 12lbs to go. Two pounds a week? Totally doable. Calorie loss of 1000 calories a day is actually considered healthy, right? Except all I do anymore is starve and binge, starve and binge. Ugh, I am such a fucking failure :(

COMMENTS!

Kate: Your work-out sounds awesome, thank you so much! The weather here has cooled down a tiny bit so I've managed to drag my fat ass out of the house for a jog :) Also, how does re-calibrating the scale work? Its my grandparents scale, so I cant take it apart or anything obvious, but if its just a button? Thanks for the comment!

Christina: Yeah, my Dad thinks its weird that I'm a 'twig' (totally not, but his wife loves to bake so in comparison...) yet I love to cook and watch the Food Network. Sometimes, if I have to starve to make up for a binge, I'll look at foodporndaily.com as an added punishment. Plus, its a good reminder of the stuff I can eat when I'm thin! And I'm trying to convince my mom to buy me a new scale, but I dont want to make it too obvious cause she knows I have/ had ED issues.

Wishes: Thank you for commenting :) I have an exercise ball, but I need to get more air pumped into it I think cause its kinda flat so I dont get much out of it. Do you have a favorite exercise ball work out? I havnt used it before haha not really sure what to do with it!

Jane: Welcome to my blog :) I will deffinatly get a new scale as soon as I have some money. Its crazy that I dont have one yet! And I know what you mean, about sometimes not wanting to think about food. Unfortunatly it seems to be the only thing on my mind these days!

So I was talking to my dad yesterday about what I can do to make myself stand out on paper when I apply for universities this year. Its pretty much all I can talk about anymore. Its driving me nuts and putting my anxiety levels through the roof. Gahh.

I want to be an investigative journalist. I think I want to start working for a newspaper when I graduate from uni, then, when I am more established as a journalist, try working with some film-makers and create documentaries. I love researching (I can spend HOURS or DAYS researching diets and such) so this was the most interesting career ambition I could come up with, and I love to write.

Anyways, my dad suggested I start a blog, and blog about something that interests me. He doesnt know about my blogging here, and cant ever know I`m back into the ED world and dieting and such. So I played along, and now I think I want to start a RL blog about vegetarianism and recipes and cool restaurants and such. Its funny the only thing I can blog abou or think about is food. Stupid food is my whole stupid fucking universe. Ugh. No wonder I am such a fat ass.

 Anywhoooooo... today is my doctors appointment. I have to talk to her about switching birth control pills to one that doesnt make me puke, and I have to beg for some Ritalin to make me skinny help me focus and manage my ADHD. I really hope she lets me do it. If she wants me back to monitor my weight because of my `previou`s disordered eating issues`then I will turn to Wintergirls for help. Quarters sewn into my pockets and clouds in front of my eyes...

I hope my lovely readers are all doing well. I`ve been trying to comment on peoples blogs as much as possible, but Blogger is a bit of a bitch sometimes. If you havn`t already, pretty please enable the name and url option for commenting, because otherwise I cant comment (my AIM is being a dumbfuck). Also, I added a content warning cause I`ve noticed I have a bit of a potty-mouth and the stuff I am writing about... isn`t something I want little kids finding I guess. But my beautiful readers, please have a wonderful Monday!

Question of the post: Did your last weigh-in leave you happy or disappointed and why?

xoxox Kay

Food Network Obsession and a Dishonest Scale

Hey new readers :)

Comments

To my felllow smokers: Thank you for giving me hope that I can get back at it haha. As soon as the weather cools down a little bit (almost 40 celsius right now) I will try to get back at it!

And welcome to Kate and Wishes, all my followers mean so much to me and it delights me to think there are peole out there who are willing to read what I have to say.

Update

Intake has been good, around 1000 calories/ day, max. 1200. Sunday night kinda sucked though because I was baby sitting and I got super stressed and ate like a pig (near 1000 calorie dinner) once my little brother fell asleep. I had planned for a 500-600 calorie dinner that night anyways though, so I wasnt tooooooo far over.

I havnt exercised a ton, due to the extreme heat, but I really need to get back at it. My goal was to start my senior year looking fucking sexy. Just losing weight wont do that-- I need to get my ass out and exercise! Haha any tips on indoor exercised while beating the heat? I'm big on walking, but I really should be working my arms and abs too. I WANT ABS!!!

I weighed the other day (right after stuffing my facing during babysitting, and fully dressed) and when I first hopped on the scale was sweet and told me 123. I nearly cried, I was so happy. But then I hopped on again, so make sure, and because I wanted to see that pretty number again. And the scale told me 130. Liar. Try again, 129. What the hell? I dont know who to believe. I'm going to weigh in again tomorrow night so hopefully the numbers will be a little more consistant then. But seriously! Just go down, stupid number! Let me shed my skin so the world can meet the real me. Finally.

I have also been watching a shit tonne of Food Network. It reminds me of the things I can taste when I'm skinny. I dont deserve it yet, but I'll get there :) For now, though, I just dream about food-- mostly granulated sugar and butter or tirimisu or cheesecake. What food do you day dream about? Favorite foods in the comments below!

Anywhoooo.... have a lovely afternoon!

Stay strong

XOXOX Kay

The Perfect 1000 Calorie Day

This is my dream day haha and hopefully this can be my tomorrow :) Anyways, a real post an update to come, but its time to sleep now so I'll tell you all in the morning/ afternoon!

BREAKFAST: 198
Cherries sweet raw	10 cherry	43
Tangerines mandarin oranges raw	medium (2-3/8” dia)	45
Plums raw	0.5 cup, sliced	38
Strawberries frozen unsweetened	0.5 cup, unthawed	26
Kiwi fruit fresh raw	fruit without skin, medium	46
LUNCH: 138
Cucumber with peel raw	cucumber (8-1/4”)	45
Pepsi diet by Pepsi	355 ml	0
Tomatoes red ripe raw year round average	medium whole (2-3/5” dia)	22
Lettuce green leaf raw	5 leaf outer	18
Rice cake plain quaker	rice cake	35
Sauce ready-to-serve salsa	0.25 cup	17
DINNER: 391
Garden minestrone light campbell	2 cup	140
Sugar free fudgsicle	pops	40
Pc thin original bagel	1.15 bagel	161
Margarine regular unspecified oils without added salt	0.5 tablespoon	50
SNACKS: 273
Tangerines mandarin oranges raw	2 medium (2-3/8" dia)	89
Carrots baby raw	15 medium	53
Pears raw	pear, medium (approx 2-1/2 per	97
Pepsi diet by Pepsi	355 ml	0
Nuts almonds	5 almond	35

Incase youre wondering, I use mynetdiary.com to calculate the calories, ect. I have tried a lot of different free calorie counters and this one seems to be the easiest, with caloriecounter.com and sparkspeople.com close behind. Do you guys use an online calorie counter that you like a lot? Leave a comment below :)

Stay strong and beautiful my lovelies, and I promise to do a huge thinspo post soontime :)

XOXOX Kay

Little By Little, I Gain the Control to Move Forward

I am so fucking tired today, but I'm also tired of lying around the house all the time. I think a power walk is in order. It kinda funny, because I used to love to jog, it was like a high for me, but then I started smoking and even though I quit almost a year ago, I never regained the lung capasity to run for more than sixty seconds. Just another reason why I suck at everything in the universe.

So, as you might have possible maybe noticed on the left side of the screen, I have tidied up my goals a little bit, added some rewards and learnt how to edit the HTML to strike through the goals I have already met. I descided that until I am at 120 pounds, my weight will be too pitiful and my weight loss will be so insignificant that I do not deserve goals. Ten down, ten to go-- wait, more goals means fifteen to go? But I'll have higher hopes by the time I get there. Ten down, and whatever it takes to reach perfection is what I have left to go.

Fuck, I love blogging. I really do. I feel like it keeps me literate over summer vacation, so I dont go back to school spelling my own name wrong. And I can express so much more than I ever could in an anablog ( = analog blog/ diary/ journal). So thank you, all four followers I have, for sustaining my existance right now.

Also, I thought maybe now is a good time to explain the wear background I have up. The red beads, nomnomnom, that remind me why I wrote this blog. So if you can relate, make yourself a little red beaded braclet. I cant binge when I have mine on. If you dont know what the hell I'm talking about, Google the meaning of a red beaded braclet. I feel strong. I made mine with three letters on it: NOW. Two meanings: first, 'now', as in do it right now. No other moment but now. The descisions I make NOW will change everything; the second meaning is an aconym: no other way. Because really, there is no other way to acheive perfection than to work for it, to fight for it.

That reminds me of a funny joke. We had a little talent show at the family picnic, and one of the funny uncles told this one: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. True, I think? Hahaha.

Well, todays intake is 175. I had half a cup of Honey Nut Cheerios (73), half a cup of plain probiotic yogurt (65) and a quater cup of canned pineapple (37). Not bad, but I am trying to stay under 1000 calories and dinner at my dads place will be bad, so I'm trying to save up about 600 calories for that. So Lunch will be 140 calories or vegetable broth (15), frozen peas and carrots (77), broccoli (31) and spinach (17). I might snack on a peach (38) as well, and maybe treat myself to five almonds (38), leaving me with 608 calories.

OH! And awesome news. I got an appt for the 25th to see my doctor so I can switch to a BC pill that doesnt make me puke my brains out (tmi?) and so I can get some Adderall or Ritalin for my ADHD. I used to be on the stuff before, and I love it because it completely obliterates my appetite, but I had to go off it when my parents found out about the Ana stuff. My mom says my doctor might not let me go back on it, or she might monitor my weight, but Wintergirls taught me how to deal with that problem. So things should be pretty good and easier soon.

If youre reading this, thank you for caring about my stupid life. If you feel like it, maybe drop me a comment below about your favorite reply when people ask if you've lost weight. Hopefully, thats advice I will need in the future :)

Stay strong my lovelies, and start the week well!

xoxox Kay

Reason #3492 to lose weight: Sex.

I had a lovely weekend up north, although my calorie count wasnt exactly worthy of praise. Friday was around 1400, and I'm guessing Friday was around 1500. Today I will do better. For breakfast, at around 1pm, I had a container of Activia yogurt (110), a tbsp of granola (28), a peach (38) and an apricot (17). Total: 193. Lunch was 15 baby carrots (53), cucumber (11) and a Diet Pepsi (0). I also had a bowl of Life cereal (104) and Biobest yogurt (89) topped with canned pineapple (37). Days total: 487 calories.


My weekend was pretty good. I sun tanned a little on Friday afternoon and hung out in my grandmothers hot tub. Mmmmmm hot tubbing. Saturday was the family picnic, which ment lots of snack food around all day. I made my mom get plenty of healthy stuff, so I at least over ate on healthy shit. But yeah, 1500 on Saturday.


Weighed myself on my grandmothers scale this morning. Its an analog scale, I was in my pajamas, and I didn't use the bathroom yet = innacurate reading. Especially the analog part, cause it was really hard to read standing up, so I was sort of weighing myself squatting. Lame. But the magic number on the scale was 125 lbs. I hope its true, because thats two pounds down from my last weigh-in and another goal met. Lets just pretend the number is real, so I am only ten pounds away from having to make more goals.


I have been thinspo-crazy the past few days. Hungrymunchie = look at thinspo until the cravings to eat turn into a compultion to exercise. So here are some pictures for you lovelies.

To be vulnerable, to let people see the pain you feel inside,

To walk up to the big bad wolf and tell him to open wide.

Everything that hurts will feel better when I'm beautiful.