Dear Mom

I know I just posted, like a few hours ago, but I needed to say this because its driving me NUTS.

I know it sounds horrible, but I really and truly am afraid of becoming my mother. I feel like my whole like I have been disappointed by and let down by my mother. She is forty-three years old, single, restarting a new career for a millionth time, and she, um, kinda let her figure go after the divorce. She hardly ever leaves the house, and when she does, she puts no effort into her appearance. She eats and eat food that doesn't help her waistline on bit, and then complains about being heavier then she used to be. And she never, ever pushes herself to do anything challenging.

Then I look at myself and my life and I don't see anything wonderful in mine either, but in every choice I make, everything that I do, I am trying to avoid becoming her. I work myself to the bone trying to get the best marks that I can, and I have a strict and demanding plan for post-secondary education and employment-- a plan that does not allot for her kind of failures. And I try, oh I am trying so hard to no success, to find a boyfriend because I feel like its too late. I am so afraid I wont have a date for prom, even though its only a year away.

And my appearance. Oh, my appearance. Well, I may be an ugly pile of lard, but I do try. I count every calorie I eat, measuring it out with instruments to see how it relates to the size of my thighs. I cannot leave the house without make up on and an outfit I am satisfied with. I have tried countless treatments and products and tools in so many attempts to tame my god-awful hair, but it cant be don't.

I try so hard, but why do I still fail?