I am a fat, gross, ugly pile of lard.



This is Perfection.


So I was sitting here, in my bedroom at my moms place, typing away at my laptop. My mom comes in and tells me she is making this awesome and yummy rice, cheese and broccoli dish, which is surprising because she rarely cooks anymore. She tells me what she is putting in it, and I panic, thinking of all those calories disrupting my perfectly planned out 1000 calorie day. When she mentions lentil peas, I see my way out.
Me: No! Not lentils! Ugh, I hate lentils...
Mom: I just thought you could use the extra protein...
Me: Lentils are gross. No thanks! Maybe next time.
Mom: OK, then more for me!
So at that point I didn't HAVE to eat any, and I wouldn't need to hide it or find a way to get rid of a plate of that ooey-gooey goodness, because I had half-lied my way out. But me, the stupid, weak piece of shit I am, I went into the kitchen and got myself a slice not quite an hour later. I saw she had eaten four slices already (we live alone, just the two of us), so I took the remaining corner piece from that row, tip-toed back to my bedroom, and devoured it at an alarming speed. It had to be at least 125 calories. Maybe 150. ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY CALORIES ON A STUPID BITE OF CASSEROLE? I am so fucking pathetic. So that means no rice cake, no 2tsp of peanut butter for protein, because instead, I have these gigantic thighs to show for it. FML.

And to top it all off-- more proof that I am a massive failure (seriously, I am huge), yesterday after the dinner outing with my step-moms friends, we all went for dessert. Guess who didn't even bother trying to say know? That's right! So I had a slice of bread from the basket (114), pita (77), topped with hummus (131) and grilled veggies (94). And it came with a small Greek salad (guessing 185?). And a small gelato (300?).
Dinner = 900 calories = I am a fat, gross, ugly pile of lard.
I am a failure, a waste of space. A waste of air.
I suck.

On the bright side -- is there a bright side to being as horrible as I am? -- I picked up some Diet Pepsi today, lime flavored, and I am drinking it warm because you beautiful Internet girls tell my warm will trick stupid me into thinking I am full. Then I will consume less evil calories and be less of a waste of space. No, I lied. Calories aren't evil, I am. For ignoring Ana and forgetting for a moment what my goals are.

Reminder:
Goal one: 130 (this should be my HW, if I had any control at all, but unfortunately that's 136.5)
Goal two: 125 (better, but still too big. yuck. im so fucking gross.)
Goal three: 120 (here I will be lighter, cleaner, i will have wings and i will fly...)
Ultimate goal: 115!!!

At one-hundred and fifteen pounds I will be perfect. I will be my best friends LW, what she says is "unhealthy" for her will be perfect for me. She looked great there, and I am at least two or three inches taller, so there, I will be perfection. I will be beautiful and I wont need to eat because I will have fairy dust in my blood that will give me magical powers. Perfection.