And these calories are, are killing me.

Title taken from Cute Is What We Aim For - There's A Class For This.

First off, I would like to offer a huge thanks to Campbels soup, for creating the 70 calories per cup Garden Minestrone that is sitting beside me know. 2 cups = 140 calories and Diet Pepsi lime = 0 calories. Lunch. Gulp, gulp, swoosh.

Dinner at my dads place last night was too, too much. A curry-chick pea- potato dish that the had frozen for me since I am the Weird Vegetarian, plus 1/4 peice of naan bread to combat the spicyspicy, some artichoke-asiago dip and sparkling grapefruit juice. These calories I had accounted for, and restricted all day to semi-make up for. But then came dessert. Chocolate mouse from a mix, served to me in a pile far too large. My tummy doesnt want those calories. It will make me filthydirty inside, but I have no choice. So in marches 207 madbadsad calories of chocolate and milk and fluffiness. WANT TO PURGE. But I couldn't, because they would have heard me :(

So now, today, I am 267 calories of probiotic yogurt, fresh raspberries, diet Pepsi and soup.

Yesterday I walked about two hours, and tonight I would like to do the same, probably more. Maybe I can try jogging this time, if my former-smoker lungs dont fight me on it. But for now, I need to get ready to hand out resumes at every place I can think of. I really need a job, because I only have $3000 so far, out of the $8000 I will need for first year tuition at the school I NEED to get into. No pressure of anything...

Also, lately I've been more daring, or careless, depending how you look at it, with my search history on computors that my parents have access too. Its not the I want them so see me on pro-ana blogs, diet sites, because I know they would be angry. Its not even that I dont care, because I do, and I'm not deep enough sunk in Ana's poisen yet to know for certain I would have the strength to resist the treatment my parents would shove down my throat. The thing is, I need this. Its like an addiction. If I eat something, or want to eat it, I immediatly HAVE to look up those evil calories on the computor, to imput them in my diet site and try to output them in the toilet bowl. I wish I could puke :(

But  I have hope. I have hope that one day I will be skinny, and happy and perfect. I will be invinsible. and if youre reading this, know that you can too. Stay strong <3