After a big, fun, food-focused street festival on the weekend, I went up from 122ish to 125ish. Ugh. But then again, when I hoped on the scale, I still hadnt shitted (shat?) out most of the stuff I... stuffed myself with over the weekend. Seriously, I let go and let myself feel full. Which is awful. I hate feeling full. Its like feeling so incredibly fat and bloated and nauseus and like youre going to shit your pants simultaniously. I forgot what that felt like.
On Friday I went with some friends to the beach and we actually had a blast. We were about fifteen people, then we mett two drunk chicks plus one of their boyfriends and we were strangers but I invited them to chill with us after helping up on of the drunk chicks who really couldnt stand. It was so much fun :) Then we met some basass asian guys and played water vollyball with them, even though I am terrified of anything sports-related or sports equippment-relate, and I cant swim. But it was fun. And yes, I spent a couple hours in public in a bikini. I just tried not to dwell on that fact and to have fun for a change. And I did :)
On a less cheerful note, I didnt get the job at Staples. Three interviews, submitted reqested references and they didnt like me. Sucks. I think it was the third interview that did it. I was too danm nervous. Or one of my references? I thought they were all solid. Ugh, anyways I am super upset I didnt get the job, and more so upset because my family kept telling me I would. And now I feel like a failure and a disappointment and a fat whore. And how the fuck am I going to pay for university now?! I am completely and utterly screwed.
And of course, because I am so incredibly fucked up, I see this as a bad thing: because I didnt get the job, I am able to go away to Washington with my dad and step mom and baby brother for a week. I should be happy! But I am terrified of all the foodfoodfood there will be, and since we are staying with my step moms friends family, they might be cooking 'special' dishes for me, since I am vegetarian, which means I will likely be forced to eat incredibly high fat and high calorie foods and smile and say its lovely. AND NO SCALE?! Fuck my fucking life. Shoot me? Please?
Well, my mother is going to give me $100 to get some clothes (nothing fits right anymore) before I go away. Maybe. I dont really ever know with her, because she is an alcoholic (in denial and completely untreated) and I am pretty sure she is bipolar. And she hates me right now. So if she likes me again by this weekend, I will get some clothes that fit to wear to Washington. Otherwise I will be living in the same Walmart shorts and a couple t-shirts for a week or something. If I dont get too fat for that too.
Today, my friend is having a pool party. So I need to get my bikini from my dads place and I might meet up with my bestie (hardly seen her all summer) and get my eyebrows waxed first. They really need it... But I think my weight goal might need to change. See, I really dont think I will be able to lose ten pounds in under four weeks. So then I cant go back to school and have people say "You look great! Have you lost weight?" and I wont be able to reply "Yeah. I lost twenty pounds, thanks for noticing! You look great too! Is that a new haircut/haircolor/shirt?" And be all lovely. I wont get to do that because I am naughty and a badbadbad girl.
And I really dont think twenty will be enough. See, my goal was to be the same weight as my bestie, even though I am two inches taller, maybe three. I want to be as tiny as her. But she looks tinier now, seeing her again after a few weeks. So I might need 110 or 105 to be as small as her. Which is awesome, because I am ultimatly shooting for double digits, maybe an ideal 90lbs by iniversity, 98lbs by prom at the end of this school year. But this will take time. To be 110 or 105, sticking to 1K calories a day will take until November or December. Groan.
@Christina, thanks sweetheart! Youre contant faith and encouragement means a lot to me :)
@weightless Welcome! Please keep reading and I'll read you when I can as well!
Welcome to all my new followers that seem to have popped up while I was busy... not posting for a weeK? Hahaha I love you guys <3
And please comment you guys! I love to hear what you have to say! If I am not following, say hello in the comment section below (rhymes!) otherwise, answer the question of the post!
Question: What makes you feel strong?
You're alive! Haha, its good to see you blogging again. The beach sounds like tons of fun.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the job, better luck next time. I'm sure Washington wont be that bad, you'll just have to take it as it comes, save up calories for dinner time.
And what makes me feel strong? Resisting food that I love. Thats one thing that makes me feel strong anyway.
xx